Sunday 28 November 2010

Don't do a Nasser

If you're anything like us, you probably still get a chill when you think of Nasser Hussain saying "we'll have a bowl" on a bone-dry Gabba wicket in 2002. There's a simple mantra to combat this ever happening again and now you can let everyone know about it in t-shirt form.

Buy it here

Doherty, Xavier

Australian purveyor of left-arm spin. Picked for Test duties purely because of Kevin Pietersen's inability to read slow left-armers. Doherty has an action so unutterably ugly that he's the bowling equivalent of Simon Katich, i.e. something you shouldn't look at directly in case your eyes shrivel up and fall out.

Saturday 27 November 2010

Thursday 25 November 2010

Taylor, Peter

Australian right arm spin bowler, left handed batsman. His initial selection for the national side saw him referred to as Peter Who? (Exactly)

Took 6/78 v England on his test debut and in the 13 tests he played had a bowling average a tad under 40. His batting was probably better than his bowling in tests with a 26 average and a couple of 50's to boot.

Also a member of the successful World Cup winning squad in 1987 and made 87 appearances for the one day side with a better bowling average than batting average.

Wednesday 24 November 2010

JCL

Johnny Come Lately. Term descriptive of the sort of cricket fan who only started watching in 2005 and thinks lbw is a type of sandwich.

Sunday 21 November 2010

Vettori, Daniel

New Zealand captain, left arm spinner. Standard bearer for glasses wearers around the world. Brushed off suggestions that New Zealand should perform a haka before a game by saying "geeky white fellers shouldn't do hakas".

5 reasons why Chris is wrong and Australia will win the Ashes

I like my colleague Chris. His Ashes piece the other day was a reasoned article, well balanced and a good read. He's dead wrong though. England won't win the Ashes and here are five reasons why not.

1. It's all going far too well

England have gone about things calmly, professionally, almost to the point of ruthlessly. They've had good plans throughout, have won all their tour matches in convincing style and even the back-up bowlers are hitting their lengths, getting movement through the air and off some fairly lifeless pitches. Meanwhile, Australia have been scratching around playing some appalling cricket and their Test players sent back to play state cricket have been pisspoor at best.

It simply can't last. I was hoping Australia A might force a reality sandwich down the throats of England fans, players, staff and media, but it hasn't happened. We're being set up for a massive fall and when James Anderson's first ball at Adelaide sails over second slip's head and away for four byes, I'll be the one to say "I told you so".

2. Too many options

We all thought we knew England's starting XI. The batsmen pick themselves and the bowling unit looks settled. Or at least it did right up until the Australia A game where Chris Tremlett, Tim Bresnan and even Monty Panesar all bowled really well. The pick of the bowlers there was Ajmal Shahzad who isn't even in the official Ashes touring party. He's in the performance squad, but has suddenly put his name up for serious consideration for Brisbane. The temptation to tinker with something that works may prove too strong.

3. Lack of alternatives

By contrast to the bowlers, the batting looks strangely thin. Watching Alastair Cook over the last 12 months has been so awful that showing his technique to terrorism suspects in order to extract confessions has been barred on grounds that it's simply too cruel (Simon Katich was going to be used by the USA until Dick Cheney decided it was going way too far over the line). If he fails, there is no other option at the top of the order. So convinced in their selection over the last few months, England have taken just the two openers with them. That move could be exposed if Australia get into Cook early on.

4. Australia simply aren't that bad

They've not been great - that much is obvious - but one glance at the Test records of the Australian side is enough to show what they can do. Ricky Ponting is undoubtedly one of the all-time greats and they've a battery of seamers who bowl at a seriously rapid pace. Moreover, they use the Kookaburra ball week in, week out as opposed to the Duke which Anderson and co were hooping around the bemusement of Bangladesh and Pakistan through the summer. Cricket Australia has also managed to pull off the impossible - convince everyone that Shane Watson is a Test opener. And if they can do that, anything is possible.

5. It'd just be bloody typical

Even people who only started watching cricket on the back of the 2005 Ashes know enough about English cricket to understand that dizzying highs are inevitably followed by spirit-crushing, soul-destroying lows. The comedown from an English Test series win is far worse than you'll find from any class A narcotic. The last big one was the 2006/7 Ashes and some people are still rocking themselves to sleep, bathed in cold sweat at the thought of Steve Harmison's first ball. It's not just the big tickets either - it works in microcosm. For every Michael Vaughan swivel-pull for yet another graceful boundary, there's Shane Warne's ball to Michael Gatting. You say Botham launching it into the Headingley confectionery stall, I say Peter Taylor (who?) taking six-for.

It would be typical of England to muck this up every bit as much as it'd be typical of Australia to shrug off their recent woes and deliver yet more pain to the long-suffering England fans. It's happened too bloody often.



Obviously I hope I'm wrong, but unlike the rest of you, I'm not turning my expectations up to eleven. Therefore I'll take more joy in victory and less pain from defeat.

Tuesday 16 November 2010

5 reasons why (I think) England will win the Ashes

Here's my (mammoth) piece of conjecture spun into an ashes preview (of sorts):

1. Form

You might say that going into an Ashes series, this matters little, but the diverging fortunes of the two sides in the last year can’t pass without at least some comment. Yes, England could have played against more taxing opposition recently and yes, their most recent test opponents were a complete shambles, mired in ugly spot-fixing allegations, but they still performed admirably to defeat those sides largely comprehensively. And not forgetting the draw in South Africa at the turn of the year in a compelling series against one of cricket’s best sides (the true test of just how good this current India side are will come in England next summer).

Australia, by contrast, have had a wretched time, losing a test series to Pakistan in England in June, losing in India and then losing a home one-day series to Sri Lanka. In days of yore, even the best Aussie sides struggled in India but they never, ever lost at home. When we talk about the idea of the Ockers losing their ‘aura’ case for the prosecution begins with their home form; This is backed up by sluggish ticket sales for this series which gives an indication of the confidence (or lack thereof) of the usually bullish Aussie punter.

2. Pressure

Ricky Ponting is a man under pressure. He does not, under any circumstances, want to be the captain who loses the Ashes three times (and lets England win on Australian soil for the first time in 25 years). Cricket Australia is under pressure, as can be seen from the recent reshuffling in the selection panel and all the little arguments that must surely have occurred for this to have taken place.

Marcus North is under pressure; He has been talked about as ‘captaincy material’ and a potential successor to Ponting – a number of players have been vocal in their support for the left-hander and he is clearly a popular character, yet after a good start in 2008/9 he has seriously under-delivered with bat in hand and this series is surely his last throw of the dice. Similarly Michael Hussey, the lynchpin of the One-Day side, has had a rotten last 18 months and the public is losing patience with ‘Mr Cricket’. Neither player has scored meaningfully in state cricket recently, and they are both having their positions squeezed by batsmen who have; Most notably stylish New South Wales left-hander Usman Khawaja and Callum Ferguson.

England will have a degree of expectation themselves, having been talked up much prior to jetting down under and enjoying a profitable warm-up schedule. They will be the most confidant Ashes squad for some time, so they must ensure they are not overawed by the occasion or pressurized into errors by the Aussie bowlers. But Andrew Strauss is a shrewd, respected captain and Andy Flower clearly has a very good idea of his favoured starting XI. In this respect, things bode well.

3. The game-breaker

Graeme Swann is no shrinking violet, and seemingly revels in the label of being England’s “go-to” wicket-taking bowler. The Nottinghamshire offie simply has a knack of taking big wickets at the right time, and has demonstrated that he does not need helpful pitches to do so (South Africa is hardly renowned for its dustbowl pitches yet he positively thrived there last winter). Australia tried to target Swann last year, with precious little success, and he will be expected to be a pivotal figure once again. Also capable of delivering valuable runs down the order, it seems fair to assume that, if Swann bowls well, England stand a hugely improved chance of winning. By contrast, Nathan Hauritz is a widely derided choice of spinner for the Aussies, who appears to possess neither the guile nor the appreciable turn Swann can deliver in spades. Young Leggy Steven Smith is a popular choice to replace him, but it is likely the selectors, traditionally a conservative bunch, will stick with Hauritz barring a disaster early on. Quite simply, for once spin is an area where England have the edge over their great rivals.

4. A settled attack

What is Australia’s first-choice bowling attack? Mitchell Johnson, for all his faults, appears a shoo-in, but who should join him? Doug Bollinger has been a regular, but is racing to be fit in time for the first test and, if he succeeds, will be understandably rusty; Ben Hilfenhaus swung the ball in England but is not always threatening; Peter Siddle is another one coming back from a succession of injuries. Without Brett Lee, there is a notable lack of fear in that attack. Then there’s the unknown quantities, such as beanpole Peter George (who toiled in India, but then who doesn’t, on debut?) and Ryan Harris, who has taken lots of wickets this season but is untried in test cricket. The Aussie selectors face a tough task getting a settled attack together and fitting them around a spinner.

By contrast, it seems fairly clear that England will go in with one spinner (Swann) plus, at least to begin with, Broad, Anderson and Finn. The concerns about their ability to swing the Kookaburra ball have been allayed by their form in the warm-ups, and the back-ups seem reasonable; Chris Tremlett is fast and will extract bounce; Shazhad is a dangerous reverse swing merchant and Bresnan takes wickets too. This has been the case throughout the last 6 months or so. England look to have a more settled, consistent bowling attack and, if anything, Broad and Anderson have improved since 2009.

5. Run-scorers

Going into the tour the main concern for England was the batting form of Messrs Cook, Pietersen and Collingwood. All valid points – Pietersen without a test century since March 2009, Collingwood enduring a wretched 2010, Cook looking nervous and tentative in his footwork. The omens from the warm-up are initially positive; All have made runs, Pietersen is still clearly not 100% at his best but, if he can raise his game against anyone, it is the Australians. Cook scored a much-needed hundred in the South Australia warm-up game; Collingwood has the mental toughness to see off any lapse in form and of course made a memorable double ton on his last Ashes tour. All three, while not at their best, could not be described as ‘horribly out of form’ as a result and Pietersen especially should prosper in Australian conditions.

Add to that the reliable accumulation of Strauss, Trott and Matt Prior (yes, I know, I can’t believe it either, but he’s done well recently) and you have a relatively positive outlook. Trott’s importance as a gritty competitor can’t be underestimated; The sort of player that, wearing the baggy green, would have infuriated England in the past.

On the Australian side, expect Shane Watson to prosper and Simon Katich to enthral us all with his gorgeous technique (yeah right – but he’s effective) and the returning Brad Haddin can usually provide some middle order muscle. Australia’s problem essentially is not so much form as a worrying tendency to give their wicket away; Ponting, Hussey, North and Clarke have all been guilty in the recent past of getting starts then getting out. This was exposed in 2009 by Broad et al first of all, and does not appear to have been rectified. Of course, on their day the likes of Ponting and Clarke can still punish bowling attacks, but recently those days have become further and further apart. Plus, England have their wildcard; Improvising, rubber-wristed little genius Eoin Morgan, who so irritated the Aussies in the one dayers last year.

Prediction

Australia are not to be written off (even though it would appear I’ve done just that) but England have enough in their arsenal to win, if they play to the level we know they can. 2-1 win for England and a memorable retention of the urn.

Saturday 13 November 2010

In praise of: Tim McIntosh

In the first Test of the current series New Zealand are playing in, Tim McIntosh became the first NZ opener to bag a pair in India. These things happen, often to the best of players. Graham Gooch bagged a king pair on debut for England, for instance, and went on to become that country's leading run scorer. This game isn't called Test cricket for no reason and a player can be judged not on such failings, but how they respond to it. How strong are they mentally? Can they put failure behind them, not dwell on it and come back? McIntosh can.
First, he saw his opening partner, Brendon McCullum, perish for just four and moments later Martin Guptill edged behind to MS Dhoni and set off back for the pavilion. What Guptill had failed to notice was the umpire's outstretched arm. He'd been caught off a no-ball and was recalled to the crease. Some five and half hours later, a clearly exhausted McIntosh was fourth man out having made a gritty hundred in New Zealand's 253/4.

That's how you respond to getting a pair, by growing a pair.

Monday 8 November 2010

The curious case of Zulqarnain Haider

The tribulations of the Pakistan side continue with yet another bizarre episode in the lead up to their ODI series decider with South Africa in the UAE (South Africa by plenty as it transpired). Wicketkeeper Zulqarnain Haider did a runner after posting a cryptic message on his Facebook page suggesting he hadn't gone along with a plot to lose game four of the series (Haider made 19 not out as Pakistan won to take the series to a decider) and was now being threatened. There are so many ways to deal with this story; sensitivity or top level investigative journalism for instance. We're going the other way. Set phasers to pun.


Pakistan's wicketkeeper is playing a game of Haider-n seek. He Saeed he was off for a paper, Anwar is he now? I Khan believe Ijaz buggered off. Is Haider a bad man? Has he Sindh or would such Shi'a speculation prove unhelpful? If anything, the opposite is true. He's the Kaneria in the mineshaft who has Riaz-ed the Alam in relation to match-fixing and is now on the run, Afridi of his life. Hanif Hafeez for his life, he can take solace. Amin, he's not the first Gul-lible young man to be approached by bookies. It's Saad Butt worse things happen and he Hasan old head on his young shoulders. Shoaib-oarded a flight to London and Nazir (now he's here? No? Never mind) he must con-Sultan co-operate with the cricketing authorities and they too must play their part and not Wasim back to Dubai from whence he came. The authorities Mushtaq this seriously. Junaid to crack down on it quickly. It's Pervez-ive.
Nawaz he's here, if Fahad my way I'd ensure he was protected from those trying to Qasim harm, Hakim to pieces with Razas and Kaleem, Sohail-p me god. What more can a Mandoo?

I'm glad he flew. It would have cost a fortune to get a Kabir.

That Swat we reckon anyway. Amir all week.

I'm done.

Wednesday 3 November 2010

McGrath, Glenn

Former Australian seamer who, even if Australia fielded a side of small children in an Ashes series with celery sticks for bats would predict a 5-0 Australia win.

Tuesday 2 November 2010

de Villiers, AB

Ridiculously talented South African. Hits a prodigiously long cricket ball, plays a swivel-pull almost as sweetly as Alec Stewart and averages over 100 in ODIs when keeping wicket. When not entrusted with the gloves, is one of the best fielders you could wish to see.
Copybook well and truly blotted with a bizarre dancey type music album in Afrikaans and is equally capable of playing an archetypal South African grinding innings the type of which Gary Kirsten and nobody else used to take pleasure in.