Sunday, 19 December 2010

The hair weave vs baldness: which is better?

Just what is it about cricketers and the hair weave? It seems the modern pro is a vain creature prone to hiding the onset of time behind a luxuriant, if fake, rug. It wasn't always thus and there is a small band of modern player upholding pride in having a well-ventilated scalp, but it's time to decide which is better: the weave or the chrome-dome.


1. Graham Gooch
A hair-weave pioneer, Gooch brought the workings of hair studios to the attention of the wider public. Now England's batting coach, he has more hair now he's in his fifties than when he was 29.
Rug rating: 8

2. Virender Sehwag
Indian top-order biffer who has had a touch-up as the temples became exposed. Often accused of hot-headedness, additional loft insulation ain't gonna change that.
Rug rating: 6

3. Michael Vaughan
Another one to start going at the temples and so shameless as to plug the.. err, plugs on TV in a cringeworthy ad with fellow weave merchants.
Rug rating: 6

4. Ricky Ponting
It is merely rumoured that the Australian skipper has had some work done. Frankly, if he wants to look more hirsute, he should comb his arm hair over his head.
Rug rating: 5

5. Jacques Kallis
Formerly thinning on top, Kallis emerged for the 2010/11 series with India with a bizarre ginger mop on top. He looks like the South African Bruce Forsyth.
Rug rating: 7

6. Martin Crowe
New Zealander who retired with a completely exposed scalp and rocked up as coach of Bangalore in the IPL with a luxuriant coiffure. A remarkable transformation.
Rug rating: 10

7. Ravi Bopara
Taking the gloves in this XI, Bopara is among the youngest to have had the plug. He's caught it early, so it's not immediately noticeable, hence only a moderate rating.
Rug rating: 6

8. Greg Matthews
Off-spin bowling Australian all-rounder whose temples receded and left a small island of hair at the front. That being the case, he had two options: get rid totally or fill in the gaps.
Rug rating: 7

9. Shane Warne
Another shill for the services he's received from his plug merchants, he would, in his own words, "look like a cricket ball" without the miracle cure. Small, round and red. Sounds about right.
Rug rating: 8

10. Rana Naved
Pakistan pace bowler who departed Sussex a cue-ball and rocked up the season after at Yorkshire with a lavish re-turfing job upstairs.
Rug rating: 7

11. Doug Bollinger
Aussie left-armer whose returf job is so obvious - and he seems so precious about it - that he's the first recipient to carry it round as a nickname, Doug the Rug.
Rug rating: 10


1. Sanath Jayasuriya
Baldness was inevitable for the Sri Lankan thrash-merchant as he played until he was round about 104 years old. Even then, he was more than capable of launching it into orbit.
Cueball rating: 9

2. Kim Barnett
Stoic opening bat, Derbyshire stalwart who made four Test appearances for England. His baldness was aided by batting on until he was well into his 40s, but it had already set in long before that.
Cueball rating: 9

3. Jonathan Trott
The Cape Town-born Warwickshire grinder seems totally disinterested in covering his exposed pate as doing so has no direct relation to the steady accumulation of bucketloads of runs. Until such time as a weave can be delivered while grinding ones way to a 300-ball fifty, it's unlikely that Trott will ever be convinced it's worthwhile.
Cueball rating: 5 (but improving day by day)

4. Darren Lehmann
The spiritual hero of all of us here at Tasty Morkels, appearances never seemed to bother Lehmann unduly. If he was vain, he'd have been slimmer, had a better diet, smoked less and gone for the weave. He did none of these and that's why he's a better man than you.
Cueball rating: 10

5. Brian Close
Tough-as-teak Yorkshireman whose chrome-dome was used in lieu of a helmet.
Cueball rating: 10

6. Yusuf Pathan
Indian long-handle merchant whose hairline is receding quicker than a massive slog over cow corner.
Cueball rating: 5

7. Tony Greig
The internationally renowned gobshite hid his baldness under an elaborate comb-over during his playing days, but now looks like his head kept on growing upwards through his hair to leave his crown bereft of foliage.
Cueball rating: 6

8. Matt Prior
Bare-bonced England wicketkeeper whose cultivation of a beard has the effect of making him look like his head is on upside-down.
Cueball rating: 8

9. Chris Harris
One of the battery of baldy Kiwis in the 1990s/early 2000s, Harris was a genuine all-rounder. All round was also the shape of his shiny, shiny head.
Cueball rating: 8

10. Charl Willoughby
Lanky South African seamer who only managed two Test matches (one wicket for 125) as only hirsute bowlers were allowed to play for the country at the time.
Cueball rating: 8

11. Chris Martin
Gangling New Zealand paceman who was hopelessly inept with the bat, but finagled several wickets by making the sun glint off his noggin into the batsman's eyes.
Cueball rating: 8

All of which leaves it Rugheads 80-86 Baldies which proves that letting nature take it's course is demonstrably better than raging against the dying of the light. Good on you for not wasting your money.

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