1. Line just outside off stump in which pace bowlers are often to be found prowling, a term as coined by Sir Geoffrey Boycott.
2. Passageway linking hotel rooms in which Shane Warne is often to be found prowling.
Monday 27 December 2010
Sunday 19 December 2010
The hair weave vs baldness: which is better?
Just what is it about cricketers and the hair weave? It seems the modern pro is a vain creature prone to hiding the onset of time behind a luxuriant, if fake, rug. It wasn't always thus and there is a small band of modern player upholding pride in having a well-ventilated scalp, but it's time to decide which is better: the weave or the chrome-dome.
Rugheads
1. Graham Gooch
A hair-weave pioneer, Gooch brought the workings of hair studios to the attention of the wider public. Now England's batting coach, he has more hair now he's in his fifties than when he was 29.
Rug rating: 8
2. Virender Sehwag
Indian top-order biffer who has had a touch-up as the temples became exposed. Often accused of hot-headedness, additional loft insulation ain't gonna change that.
Rug rating: 6
3. Michael Vaughan
Another one to start going at the temples and so shameless as to plug the.. err, plugs on TV in a cringeworthy ad with fellow weave merchants.
Rug rating: 6
4. Ricky Ponting
It is merely rumoured that the Australian skipper has had some work done. Frankly, if he wants to look more hirsute, he should comb his arm hair over his head.
Rug rating: 5
5. Jacques Kallis
Formerly thinning on top, Kallis emerged for the 2010/11 series with India with a bizarre ginger mop on top. He looks like the South African Bruce Forsyth.
Rug rating: 7
6. Martin Crowe
New Zealander who retired with a completely exposed scalp and rocked up as coach of Bangalore in the IPL with a luxuriant coiffure. A remarkable transformation.
Rug rating: 10
7. Ravi Bopara
Taking the gloves in this XI, Bopara is among the youngest to have had the plug. He's caught it early, so it's not immediately noticeable, hence only a moderate rating.
Rug rating: 6
8. Greg Matthews
Off-spin bowling Australian all-rounder whose temples receded and left a small island of hair at the front. That being the case, he had two options: get rid totally or fill in the gaps.
Rug rating: 7
9. Shane Warne
Another shill for the services he's received from his plug merchants, he would, in his own words, "look like a cricket ball" without the miracle cure. Small, round and red. Sounds about right.
Rug rating: 8
10. Rana Naved
Pakistan pace bowler who departed Sussex a cue-ball and rocked up the season after at Yorkshire with a lavish re-turfing job upstairs.
Rug rating: 7
11. Doug Bollinger
Aussie left-armer whose returf job is so obvious - and he seems so precious about it - that he's the first recipient to carry it round as a nickname, Doug the Rug.
Rug rating: 10
Baldies
1. Sanath Jayasuriya
Baldness was inevitable for the Sri Lankan thrash-merchant as he played until he was round about 104 years old. Even then, he was more than capable of launching it into orbit.
Cueball rating: 9
2. Kim Barnett
Stoic opening bat, Derbyshire stalwart who made four Test appearances for England. His baldness was aided by batting on until he was well into his 40s, but it had already set in long before that.
Cueball rating: 9
3. Jonathan Trott
The Cape Town-born Warwickshire grinder seems totally disinterested in covering his exposed pate as doing so has no direct relation to the steady accumulation of bucketloads of runs. Until such time as a weave can be delivered while grinding ones way to a 300-ball fifty, it's unlikely that Trott will ever be convinced it's worthwhile.
Cueball rating: 5 (but improving day by day)
4. Darren Lehmann
The spiritual hero of all of us here at Tasty Morkels, appearances never seemed to bother Lehmann unduly. If he was vain, he'd have been slimmer, had a better diet, smoked less and gone for the weave. He did none of these and that's why he's a better man than you.
Cueball rating: 10
5. Brian Close
Tough-as-teak Yorkshireman whose chrome-dome was used in lieu of a helmet.
Cueball rating: 10
6. Yusuf Pathan
Indian long-handle merchant whose hairline is receding quicker than a massive slog over cow corner.
Cueball rating: 5
7. Tony Greig
The internationally renowned gobshite hid his baldness under an elaborate comb-over during his playing days, but now looks like his head kept on growing upwards through his hair to leave his crown bereft of foliage.
Cueball rating: 6
8. Matt Prior
Bare-bonced England wicketkeeper whose cultivation of a beard has the effect of making him look like his head is on upside-down.
Cueball rating: 8
9. Chris Harris
One of the battery of baldy Kiwis in the 1990s/early 2000s, Harris was a genuine all-rounder. All round was also the shape of his shiny, shiny head.
Cueball rating: 8
10. Charl Willoughby
Lanky South African seamer who only managed two Test matches (one wicket for 125) as only hirsute bowlers were allowed to play for the country at the time.
Cueball rating: 8
11. Chris Martin
Gangling New Zealand paceman who was hopelessly inept with the bat, but finagled several wickets by making the sun glint off his noggin into the batsman's eyes.
Cueball rating: 8
All of which leaves it Rugheads 80-86 Baldies which proves that letting nature take it's course is demonstrably better than raging against the dying of the light. Good on you for not wasting your money.
Rugheads
1. Graham Gooch
A hair-weave pioneer, Gooch brought the workings of hair studios to the attention of the wider public. Now England's batting coach, he has more hair now he's in his fifties than when he was 29.
Rug rating: 8
2. Virender Sehwag
Indian top-order biffer who has had a touch-up as the temples became exposed. Often accused of hot-headedness, additional loft insulation ain't gonna change that.
Rug rating: 6
3. Michael Vaughan
Another one to start going at the temples and so shameless as to plug the.. err, plugs on TV in a cringeworthy ad with fellow weave merchants.
Rug rating: 6
4. Ricky Ponting
It is merely rumoured that the Australian skipper has had some work done. Frankly, if he wants to look more hirsute, he should comb his arm hair over his head.
Rug rating: 5
5. Jacques Kallis
Formerly thinning on top, Kallis emerged for the 2010/11 series with India with a bizarre ginger mop on top. He looks like the South African Bruce Forsyth.
Rug rating: 7
6. Martin Crowe
New Zealander who retired with a completely exposed scalp and rocked up as coach of Bangalore in the IPL with a luxuriant coiffure. A remarkable transformation.
Rug rating: 10
7. Ravi Bopara
Taking the gloves in this XI, Bopara is among the youngest to have had the plug. He's caught it early, so it's not immediately noticeable, hence only a moderate rating.
Rug rating: 6
8. Greg Matthews
Off-spin bowling Australian all-rounder whose temples receded and left a small island of hair at the front. That being the case, he had two options: get rid totally or fill in the gaps.
Rug rating: 7
9. Shane Warne
Another shill for the services he's received from his plug merchants, he would, in his own words, "look like a cricket ball" without the miracle cure. Small, round and red. Sounds about right.
Rug rating: 8
10. Rana Naved
Pakistan pace bowler who departed Sussex a cue-ball and rocked up the season after at Yorkshire with a lavish re-turfing job upstairs.
Rug rating: 7
11. Doug Bollinger
Aussie left-armer whose returf job is so obvious - and he seems so precious about it - that he's the first recipient to carry it round as a nickname, Doug the Rug.
Rug rating: 10
Baldies
1. Sanath Jayasuriya
Baldness was inevitable for the Sri Lankan thrash-merchant as he played until he was round about 104 years old. Even then, he was more than capable of launching it into orbit.
Cueball rating: 9
2. Kim Barnett
Stoic opening bat, Derbyshire stalwart who made four Test appearances for England. His baldness was aided by batting on until he was well into his 40s, but it had already set in long before that.
Cueball rating: 9
3. Jonathan Trott
The Cape Town-born Warwickshire grinder seems totally disinterested in covering his exposed pate as doing so has no direct relation to the steady accumulation of bucketloads of runs. Until such time as a weave can be delivered while grinding ones way to a 300-ball fifty, it's unlikely that Trott will ever be convinced it's worthwhile.
Cueball rating: 5 (but improving day by day)
4. Darren Lehmann
The spiritual hero of all of us here at Tasty Morkels, appearances never seemed to bother Lehmann unduly. If he was vain, he'd have been slimmer, had a better diet, smoked less and gone for the weave. He did none of these and that's why he's a better man than you.
Cueball rating: 10
5. Brian Close
Tough-as-teak Yorkshireman whose chrome-dome was used in lieu of a helmet.
Cueball rating: 10
6. Yusuf Pathan
Indian long-handle merchant whose hairline is receding quicker than a massive slog over cow corner.
Cueball rating: 5
7. Tony Greig
The internationally renowned gobshite hid his baldness under an elaborate comb-over during his playing days, but now looks like his head kept on growing upwards through his hair to leave his crown bereft of foliage.
Cueball rating: 6
8. Matt Prior
Bare-bonced England wicketkeeper whose cultivation of a beard has the effect of making him look like his head is on upside-down.
Cueball rating: 8
9. Chris Harris
One of the battery of baldy Kiwis in the 1990s/early 2000s, Harris was a genuine all-rounder. All round was also the shape of his shiny, shiny head.
Cueball rating: 8
10. Charl Willoughby
Lanky South African seamer who only managed two Test matches (one wicket for 125) as only hirsute bowlers were allowed to play for the country at the time.
Cueball rating: 8
11. Chris Martin
Gangling New Zealand paceman who was hopelessly inept with the bat, but finagled several wickets by making the sun glint off his noggin into the batsman's eyes.
Cueball rating: 8
All of which leaves it Rugheads 80-86 Baldies which proves that letting nature take it's course is demonstrably better than raging against the dying of the light. Good on you for not wasting your money.
Fletcher, Duncan
Former England coach and professional bloodhound impersonator. Zimbabwean captain before they were given Test status. Devised the Zimbabwean car registration system (this is a fact, not a lie).
Sehwag, Virender
Indian batsman who takes the theory about attack being the best form of defence to ridiculous extremes. Need to bat for two days to save a game? Why not try flaying the attack to all corners for a quickfire 50 and then get out caught on the fence while slogging? It's the Sehwag method.
You can make your own Sehwag using these ingredients:
Treat with care and your Sehwag will dazzle and infuriate in equal measures for many years.
You can make your own Sehwag using these ingredients:
- 2 fast hands
- 2 feet encased in concrete
- 1 massive lump of willow
- 1 complete and utter disregard for the reputation of bowlers
- 1 dislike of running too much
- hair weave to taste
- occasional spin
Treat with care and your Sehwag will dazzle and infuriate in equal measures for many years.
Saturday 18 December 2010
Beards v Moustaches: which is better?
Cricket has a long history of facial furniture. Neatly cropped beards and moustaches are always something to be admired, but which is better? Only one way to find out.
Beards
1. Ramiz Raja
Always a well-groomed man, Raja favours a thin goatee which has acquired a dusting of grey as years advance. A talented opening batsman, he never really got the Test runs he ought to have done, but with a luxuriant coiffure mated to that pencil-line beard meant he always looked stylish.
Beard rating: 6
2. Saeed Anwar
Pakistan opener who held the highest ODI score for a long time with 194 until a certain Sachin Tedulkar upstaged him. Made 4000 Test runs at better than 45, all whilst sporting a beard like a rhodedendron bush.
Beard rating: 9
3. Sir Vivian Richards
The Master Blaster used his bat as a destructive weapon and a closely cropped, neatly trimmed beard as his only protection.
Beard rating: 7
4. Hashim Amla
Nothing on top, no moustache, but a massive shrub on his chin, Amla is a very modern beard-wearer. An unfortunate comparison by Dean Jones led to his sacking as a TV pundit who, we can only imagine, is a big fan of Four Lions.
Beard rating: 10
5. Mohammed Yousuf
If Amla modelled his beard on anybody's, it's Yousuf. Formerly Yousuf Youhana, the beard emerged only after a conversion to Islam. Pre-beard, Yousuf averaged in the low- to mid-forties. Post-beard, it's high 50s, proving beyond doubt that Islam is a force for good in the world.
Beard rating: 10
6. WG Grace
The original and undoubtedly the best. The Doctor was cricket's first superstar, though it's reckoned that beard fans were equal in number at games to cricket afficionados. But behind that beard lay the dark heart and mind of a cheat, a marketeer and a publicist. Beware people who write their own legend.
Beard rating: 11
6. Ian Botham
A clean shaven young lad burst onto the scene in the mid-seventies, but it was only when Botham developed the trademark beard that he hit the heights of international cricket. Never the most flamboyant beard, but his whiskery trademark added effortless cool to his brutal batting.
Beard rating: 7
7. Jeff Dujon
As keeper to the great West Indies side of the 1980s, Dujon became the first superstar stumper. With that battery of quicks at the other end, thumping 90-95mph deliveries into his gloves all day, he had the hardest hands in the world which probably made shaving a problem. Consequently, a neatly bushy beard sprouted from his lower jaw.
Beard rating: 7
8. Malcolm Marshall
When he was pegging balls down at your head at around 95mph, you could be forgiven for being struck by the neatness of the trim with a slight hint of silver. Classy stuff from the quick man.
Beard rating: 8
9. Michael Holding
Whispering Death is one of the all-time great sporting nicknames. Loping in off his run which seemed to start on the boundary fence, he glided into the stumps like a well-sharpened razor across a stubbly face. That's something Holding clearly had no time for.
Beard rating: 6
10. Mike Hendrick
Hendrick's 30 Tests for England came at a great time for beards - between 1974 and 1981. He took 87 wickets in that time at under 26 apiece all the while looking like a spare guitarist from Fairport Convention.
Beard rating: 9
11. Saqlain Mushtaq
Throughout his career, as Saqlain's hairline receded, the beard extended to the point at which it extended a good half a foot beyond the end of his chin.
Beard rating: 9
Moustaches
1. Gordon Greenidge
Beware a limping Greenidge, went the adage. If he was limping, he'd tend to crash everything to the fence instead. As if to further wind up the former colonialists, he did it all with a vestigial handlebar soup-strainer that wouldn't have looked out of place in an officer's mess.
Tache rating: 7
2. Ravi Shastri
As clipped and stylish as his dulcet tones, Shastri's moustache went like a tracer bullet across his upper lip throughout his career.
Tache rating: 7
3. David Boon
The short Tasmanian had a broom head for a moustache which served to filter out the worst of his favoured brands of Australian canned piss.
Tache rating: 10
4. Allan Border
While annoying the hell out of generations of England fans and players, Border opted for the squadron leader style facial furniture which can be the only thing that distracted Mike Gatting to play that reverse sweep in the 1987 World Cup.
Tache rating: 6
5. Clive Lloyd
Lloyd's moustache drooped down around the sides of his mouth to give him a hangdog expression which was only furthered by his languid batting style. It belied an inner calm and steely determination matched only by the extreme power he wielded with the willow.
Tache rating: 9
6. Lord Hawke
Lincolnshire-born, but Yorkshire's greatest ever captain, presiding over a glorious decade before WWII. His moustache was like anything bowled on his pads; beautifully clipped.
Tache rating: 8
7. Sir Richard Hadlee
Possibly the only New Zealander to be in the all-time-great category, Hadlee's pencil moustache stuck rigidly to upper lip throughout his career and into retirement where it lives happily today.
Tache rating: 7
8. Jack Russell
Russell's top-lip topiary was as raggedy and idiosyncratic as the player himself. Disorganised, shabby, typically English eccentric, his batting style and moustache were a perfect complement to one another.
Tache rating: 9
9. Robin Jackman
Born in India, wintered in Rhodesia, it was obvious that Jackman would play for England. A stocky pace bowler, his four Tests came clean shaven, but he's developed a lovely soup strainer in retirement where he's to be found in the commentary box taking on the mannerisms of a favourite uncle.
Tache rating: 8
10. Merv Hughes
The fat bus driver's trademark moustache drooped prodigiously down both sides to create a boomerang effect. Terrifying when he was playing, he's maintained it in retirement where it looks a bit of a throwback to an age when men were men.
Tache rating: 10
11. Dennis Lillee
Probably the inspiration for Hughes and a whole generation of moustachioed Australians, Lillee was in many ways a pioneer of extravagant whiskeriness. The fastest bowler of his generation - and that was up against some fierce competition - the tache flapping in the breeze as he hurtled in was enough to put most batters off before he'd even reached his delivery stride.
Tache rating: 10
In the final tally, it ends Beards 99-91 Moustaches. Definitive proof if ever it existed that beards are better.
Beards
1. Ramiz Raja
Always a well-groomed man, Raja favours a thin goatee which has acquired a dusting of grey as years advance. A talented opening batsman, he never really got the Test runs he ought to have done, but with a luxuriant coiffure mated to that pencil-line beard meant he always looked stylish.
Beard rating: 6
2. Saeed Anwar
Pakistan opener who held the highest ODI score for a long time with 194 until a certain Sachin Tedulkar upstaged him. Made 4000 Test runs at better than 45, all whilst sporting a beard like a rhodedendron bush.
Beard rating: 9
3. Sir Vivian Richards
The Master Blaster used his bat as a destructive weapon and a closely cropped, neatly trimmed beard as his only protection.
Beard rating: 7
4. Hashim Amla
Nothing on top, no moustache, but a massive shrub on his chin, Amla is a very modern beard-wearer. An unfortunate comparison by Dean Jones led to his sacking as a TV pundit who, we can only imagine, is a big fan of Four Lions.
Beard rating: 10
5. Mohammed Yousuf
If Amla modelled his beard on anybody's, it's Yousuf. Formerly Yousuf Youhana, the beard emerged only after a conversion to Islam. Pre-beard, Yousuf averaged in the low- to mid-forties. Post-beard, it's high 50s, proving beyond doubt that Islam is a force for good in the world.
Beard rating: 10
6. WG Grace
The original and undoubtedly the best. The Doctor was cricket's first superstar, though it's reckoned that beard fans were equal in number at games to cricket afficionados. But behind that beard lay the dark heart and mind of a cheat, a marketeer and a publicist. Beware people who write their own legend.
Beard rating: 11
6. Ian Botham
A clean shaven young lad burst onto the scene in the mid-seventies, but it was only when Botham developed the trademark beard that he hit the heights of international cricket. Never the most flamboyant beard, but his whiskery trademark added effortless cool to his brutal batting.
Beard rating: 7
7. Jeff Dujon
As keeper to the great West Indies side of the 1980s, Dujon became the first superstar stumper. With that battery of quicks at the other end, thumping 90-95mph deliveries into his gloves all day, he had the hardest hands in the world which probably made shaving a problem. Consequently, a neatly bushy beard sprouted from his lower jaw.
Beard rating: 7
8. Malcolm Marshall
When he was pegging balls down at your head at around 95mph, you could be forgiven for being struck by the neatness of the trim with a slight hint of silver. Classy stuff from the quick man.
Beard rating: 8
9. Michael Holding
Whispering Death is one of the all-time great sporting nicknames. Loping in off his run which seemed to start on the boundary fence, he glided into the stumps like a well-sharpened razor across a stubbly face. That's something Holding clearly had no time for.
Beard rating: 6
10. Mike Hendrick
Hendrick's 30 Tests for England came at a great time for beards - between 1974 and 1981. He took 87 wickets in that time at under 26 apiece all the while looking like a spare guitarist from Fairport Convention.
Beard rating: 9
11. Saqlain Mushtaq
Throughout his career, as Saqlain's hairline receded, the beard extended to the point at which it extended a good half a foot beyond the end of his chin.
Beard rating: 9
Moustaches
1. Gordon Greenidge
Beware a limping Greenidge, went the adage. If he was limping, he'd tend to crash everything to the fence instead. As if to further wind up the former colonialists, he did it all with a vestigial handlebar soup-strainer that wouldn't have looked out of place in an officer's mess.
Tache rating: 7
2. Ravi Shastri
As clipped and stylish as his dulcet tones, Shastri's moustache went like a tracer bullet across his upper lip throughout his career.
Tache rating: 7
3. David Boon
The short Tasmanian had a broom head for a moustache which served to filter out the worst of his favoured brands of Australian canned piss.
Tache rating: 10
4. Allan Border
While annoying the hell out of generations of England fans and players, Border opted for the squadron leader style facial furniture which can be the only thing that distracted Mike Gatting to play that reverse sweep in the 1987 World Cup.
Tache rating: 6
5. Clive Lloyd
Lloyd's moustache drooped down around the sides of his mouth to give him a hangdog expression which was only furthered by his languid batting style. It belied an inner calm and steely determination matched only by the extreme power he wielded with the willow.
Tache rating: 9
6. Lord Hawke
Lincolnshire-born, but Yorkshire's greatest ever captain, presiding over a glorious decade before WWII. His moustache was like anything bowled on his pads; beautifully clipped.
Tache rating: 8
7. Sir Richard Hadlee
Possibly the only New Zealander to be in the all-time-great category, Hadlee's pencil moustache stuck rigidly to upper lip throughout his career and into retirement where it lives happily today.
Tache rating: 7
8. Jack Russell
Russell's top-lip topiary was as raggedy and idiosyncratic as the player himself. Disorganised, shabby, typically English eccentric, his batting style and moustache were a perfect complement to one another.
Tache rating: 9
9. Robin Jackman
Born in India, wintered in Rhodesia, it was obvious that Jackman would play for England. A stocky pace bowler, his four Tests came clean shaven, but he's developed a lovely soup strainer in retirement where he's to be found in the commentary box taking on the mannerisms of a favourite uncle.
Tache rating: 8
10. Merv Hughes
The fat bus driver's trademark moustache drooped prodigiously down both sides to create a boomerang effect. Terrifying when he was playing, he's maintained it in retirement where it looks a bit of a throwback to an age when men were men.
Tache rating: 10
11. Dennis Lillee
Probably the inspiration for Hughes and a whole generation of moustachioed Australians, Lillee was in many ways a pioneer of extravagant whiskeriness. The fastest bowler of his generation - and that was up against some fierce competition - the tache flapping in the breeze as he hurtled in was enough to put most batters off before he'd even reached his delivery stride.
Tache rating: 10
In the final tally, it ends Beards 99-91 Moustaches. Definitive proof if ever it existed that beards are better.
Collingwood's backlift
Unit of measurement on the microscopic scale, approximately equal to two nanometres. As in "This sofa won't fit through your door sir. It's six Collingwood backlifts too wide".
Wednesday 15 December 2010
Nightwatchman
Reprehensible tactic that sees a lower order player come in early in order to protect a top order batsman from getting himself out. Tacit admission that your actual batsmen aren't up to the job and leaves the lower-middle order fewer partners with which to score runs.
If that reasoned debate wasn't enough to convince you that it's a tactic wants scrapping, the fact that Jason Gillespie has a Test double-ton playing as a nightwatchman should just about do it.
If that reasoned debate wasn't enough to convince you that it's a tactic wants scrapping, the fact that Jason Gillespie has a Test double-ton playing as a nightwatchman should just about do it.
Thursday 2 December 2010
Harmison, Steve
Ex-England fast bowler who should be remembered for feats such as 7-12 in Jamaica or the wonderful slower ball that got Michael Clarke in the 2005 Ashes, but will forever be remembered for the first ball of the 2006/7 Ashes. Dear oh dear.
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