Netherlands, The

International cricket team made up of South Africans, Australians, Namibians and, on the odd occasion, Dutchmen.

Count 'em

What you should do instead of rubbing 'em after being hit amidships.

Austin, Ian

Rotund Lancastrian bowler of medium pace dobbers.

Bully, flat track

See Hayden, Matthew

Australia

Home of Australians and VB. And a half decent cricket team as well.

Character

Term applied to anyone involved in the game who says things beyond the usual banalities or appears to enjoy a drink. See also Tufnell, Phil; Cork, Dominic.

Gower, David

Impossibly stylish England left-hander turned pundit. Always looked great at the crease, even when chasing a wide one down third slip's throat. Man least likely to be seen with a can of VB or XXXX.

ten Doeschate, Ryan

Essex all-rounder so proud of his South African roots that he plays his international cricket for the Netherlands.
One better than Ryan nine Doeschate.

van Bunge, Daan

Hapless Dutch spinner, carted for six sixes in one over by Herschelle Gibbs in the 2007 World Cup.

St Helens

Cricket ground beside the sea in Swansea where Sir Garfield Sobers cracked six sixes in an over.

VB

Australian canned piss. David Boon's second choice.

Benaud, Richie

Former Australian captain and leg-spin bowler turned pundit of the highest calibre. With playing and commentary commitments, he didn't see a winter from 1952 until his retirement in 2005.

Richards, Sir Vivian

West Indian batsman of prodigious power and ability. Still has the fastest ever Test century, 56 balls against England at St Johns on his home island of Antigua, an island on which he will never be able to buy a drink.

XXXX

Australian canned piss. Drink of choice for David Boon who once drank 51 of them on a flight to England, a feat largely considered a world record.

Eden Gardens

Biggest cricket ground in India. Located in Kolkata. Not to be confused with Eden Park. Scene to seat throwing at the 1999 World Cup causing the semi final to be abandoned when it became clear India were going to lose.

McLean Park

Test ground in Napier, New Zealand. Looks more like a rugby ground than a cricket ground and has very short square boundaries.

Basin Reserve

1. Sign used by nervous batsmen requiring a pre-match plop.

2. Test ground in Wellington, New Zealand. Very basic, most accomodation is of a "hill" type nature. Nightmare when raining, which it does a lot of in Wellington.

Sir Vivian Richard Cricket Grounds

Venue on the island of Antigua built for the 2007 World Cup, named for it's most famous son. Has a beach for an outfield.

Lancaster Park

Test venue in Christchurch, New Zealand. Now known as AMI Stadium due to sponsorship reasons. Hosts rugby union in the winter.

Eden Park

Not to be confused with Eden Gardens, an odd shaped test venue in Auckland, New Zealand which also hosts rugby union in the winter.

Bellerive Oval

Test Ground located in Hobart, Tasmania. Used by Australia to play against second rate teams like Sri Lanka and Pakistan.

Adelaide Oval

Picturesque Test ground in Adelaide, Australia. Still home to a traditional "Hill" where all the local pisscans go to spend a day on the VB and occasionally to watch some cricket.

A late edit, but some pictures from Matt's tour round the ground in March 2011

WACA, The

Test venue in Perth, Australia. Home of the Western Australia Cricket Association. Famous for the Fremantle Doctor and known as one as the quickest wickets in the world and a lovely old style scoreboard.

MCG

Test venue in Melbourne. Largest cricket ground in Australia. Also host to a winter game that looks like aerial ping pong and has the highest light towers of any sporting venue in the world.

SCG

Test venue in Sydney, Australia. Known to favour spinners and host to many a Sydney Premiership Rugby League Grand Final.

Patel, Deepak

New Zealand off-spinner. Caused a revolution when he opened the bowling in a 1992 World Cup match.

Gabba, The

Local name for the Brisbane Cricket Ground which is located in the unpronounceable district of Woolloongabba.

Oval, The

South London Test venue with a changeable name depending on sponsors. Staged the first and numerous other FA Cup finals when known as the Kennington Oval and widely regarded as a batter's paradise.

Trent Bridge

Test venue in Nottingham, newly redeveloped. Big boundaries, bouncy track, too small for Jonathan Bairstow.

Edgbaston

Test venue in Birmingham. Under redevelopment at time of writing. Scene of the second Ashes Test of 2005, one of the greatest games of cricket ever.

Old Trafford

Test venue, prone to rain which hasn't helped with Lancashire's quest to win the County Championship. Due for long overdue redevelopment, including switching the square round by 90 degrees in order to avoid the sun stopping play.

Bird, Harold

Umpire, affectionately known as Dickie. Would head for the sheds at the mere suggestion of rain. Another pissed off Yorkshireman who ended up at Leicestershire in his playing days. See Illingworth, Raymond.

Botham, Ian

Legendary England all-rounder and now pundit. Liked a cigar and a beer in the changing room and a spliff while on tour.

Corky

1. See Ball

2. Imaginative nickname for Dominic Cork (see Character)

Amidships

Pundit-speak for the testicles as in "he's been hit amidships by that 95mph length ball and now seems to have three adams apples".

Ball

Traditionally red, hurts like hell when they make contact to exposed parts at great velocity. Also now seen in White and Pink. Known to children as a Corky, this due to the core of the ball being made from cork.

Atherton, Michael

Former England captain with dirt on his hands and the ball. Now a pundit.

Dyson, John

Australian coach of the West Indies with an inability to read.

Sledging

The art of putting an opponent off their game with the power of speech. See Andrew Flintoff to Tino Best.

Attapattu, Marvan

Sri Lankan bastman. Only man worse than Inzamam-ul-Haq at running. Has the most One Day International run out dismissals.

Inzamam-ul-Haq

Fat Pakistani, useless at quick singles. Second in all time list of One Day International run out dismissals behind Marvan Atapattu.

Pundit

Person who gets to talk shite about the game on the telly and radio. Seemingly contractually obliged not to have an opinion. See Boycott, Geoffrey.

Olonga, Henry

Zambia-born Zimbabwean pace bowler. Famous for the "black armband controversy" alongside Andy Flower in the 2003 World Cup. Now living in Australia attempting to be a musician, sometime pundit.

Flower, Andrew

Zimbabwean. One of the few genuinely world class players that country has produced. Test average of over 50. Famous for the "black armband controversy" alongside Henry Olonga in the 2003 World Cup and therefore ill-advised to return to his homeland. Now Technical Director of England, a job seemingly only Zimbabweans are cut out for (see also Fletcher, Duncan). Considered some sort of god round Chelmsford way.

Hair, Darrell

Australian umpire. Nemesis of Muttiah Muralitharan, Pakistan and pretty much the whole sub-continent, leading to claims that he may have a problem with Asian types.

Muralidaran, Muttiah

See Muralitharan, Muttiah

Vaughan, Michael

Lancastrian who played for Yorkshire. Former England captain, now a pundit on the radio and promoter of Advanced Hair Studios. Blotted his copybook with a misguided appearance on Strictly Come Dancing.

Muralitharan, Muttiah

Spin genius from Sri Lanka. 800 Test wickets tells it's own story despite being labelled a chucker by Darrell Hair.

Warne, Shane

Australian swordsman who was the leading Test wicket taker until taken over by Muttiah Muralitharan. Bit short on top, needed the help of Advanced Hair Studios.

Bollinger, Douglas

Australian. Left arm quick with a full head of hair (see also Advanced Hair Studios)

Gooch, Graham

Opening batsman, England's highest test run scorer to date despite copping a 3 year ban for touring South Africa in 1982 during that country's international pariah status. Turned out for Essex in domestic cricket. Used to be bald, now isn't (see also Advanced Hair Studios)

Close, Brian

Yorkshireman. Youngest ever England Test cricket player in 1949. Pissed off by the Yorkshire committee in 1970 after 21 years service he moved to Somerset where he played a role in the development of Ian Botham. Also known for various run ins with Geoffrey Boycott.
Ridiculously committed fielder who relished pain. Got knocked flat on a Test recall against the West Indies. Viv Richards, a Somerset team-mate at the time, approached him to help him up saying "Are you all right skipper?". "Fuck off", said Close.
Legend.

Illingworth, Raymond

Yorkshireman. Pissed off by the county in 1968 to go to Leicestershire where he became the most successful England captain of all time and in 1970-71 leading the only unbeaten England side in an Ashes Series in Australia. Later became BBC pundit and the first "supremo" of English cricket in 1994.

Advanced Hair Studios

Favoured hair-weave merchants of the professional cricketer (see Gooch, Graham; Warne, Shane; Bollinger, Doug).
The power of the hair weave is immense. Prior to his treatment, Jacques Kallis hadn't made a Test double hundred. After it, he made an unbeaten 201 against India. Coincidence? Impossible.

Green Team

Hi-vis clad fun police, found at most Test venues in England (see Headingley).

Yorkshire

Biggest and most successful county in English cricket. Previously famous for only selecting players from the county despite their most successful captain, Lord Hawke, coming from Lincolnshire. That rule is now out of the window and several outsiders have been allowed in. Spent the 1970s, 80s and most of the 90s in a trophy-less wilderness. Spent much of the 90s producing more Test players for Australia than they did for England. Have a history of pissing off their better players and see them go on to great success with other counties (see Close, Brian; Illingworth, Raymond).

Johnson, Mitchell

Australian left-arm quick with the accuracy of a drunken epileptic.

Zimbabwe

Basket case of a nation. As a cricketing nation, looked set to make an impact until the political upheaval of the late nineties kind of ruined everything. Whatever happens in the future, the black armband protest during the 2003 World Cup by Andy Flower and Henry Olonga, commemorating the death of democracy in the country, will always be a humbling memory.

Pinch-hitting

Technique in limited overs cricket of sending in someone with a nine-pound, long-handled bat to give it some welly in the early overs. Largely credited to Sri Lanka's 1996 World Cup winning team and eventually adopted by England a mere 14 years later.

Headingley

Principle ground of Yorkshire CCC. To denizens of the county, this is the home of cricket, not Lord's. Home of the Western Terrace, a notorious den of iniquity, policed by the completely-lacking-in-senses-of-humour Green Team stewards.

Speed gun

Device for measuring the speed of the ball as it's released from the bowler's hand. Suspiciously doctored in South Africa for the 2003 World Cup where Shoaib Akhtar apparently bowled a 100mph delivery to Nick Knight. Asked how it felt to face the first 100mph ball, Knight said "about 75".

Vaas, Chaminda

Sri Lankan left-armer, owner of a world record number of initials. WPUJC. Looks like something the Enigma machine couldn't crack.

Morgan, Eoin

Impish limited over genius with forearms like trees and a range of borderline impossible shots. English. Definitely English. From the beautiful Lincolnshire market town of.. err.. Dublin.

Twenty20

Cricket for the ADHD generation

In praise of: Steven Rhodes

A lot has been made in the cricket media recently about Nottinghamshire’s title triumph. And rightly so; It was a breathtaking climax to the season, full of twists and turns and Notts themselves are a very good side, with exciting players like Alex Hales, Samit Patel (the Darren Lehman fitness regime has worked, clearly) and the evergreen Andre Adams. By my reckoning, though, even more credit should be thrust in the direction of Steven Rhodes and Worcestershire, who on the final day pulled off an unlikely four-wicket win over Sussex thereby sealing promotion to the first division.

Worcestershire are not a rich county. They operate on a small budget and, last winter, Director of Cricket Rhodes was for many pundits, staring at an impossible task. His strike bowler, Kabir Ali, had got the move to Hampshire he had long been agitating for, and Simon Jones soon followed; Stalwart Graeme Hick had retired; reliable all-rounder Gareth Batty had returned to Surrey and the same county had also offered the dynamic wicket keeper Steven Davies a bundle to follow suit. Very few players were recruited in their place, and they were tipped by many to finish in the lower reaches of Division 2.

What has happened is therefore a true cricketing success story – particularly when you consider that Vikram Solanki handed over the captaincy to Daryl Mitchell mid-season. Batsmen Alexei Kervezee and Moeen Ali, young, raw but talented, both scored valuable runs alongside Mitchell and some impressive stuff from Gareth Andrew. In Ben Cox, they have an heir to Davies; A promising glovesman who can also bat, and still so young at just 18. Shakib Al Hasan’s arrival in late July also made a difference – his seven wicket haul in the second innings at Middlesex two weeks ago won them the game and brought momentum into the final few furlongs of this long County slog. When more established, richer clubs such as Surrey, Middlesex and Kent struggle and find themselves in Division 2, it shows just what an incredible job, under tight constraints, Rhodes has done – motivating a small, inexperienced squad into performing far higher than the mere sum of its parts. Now the question remains, can they keep hold of some of these young stars to see them try and stay in the top division?

Chinaman

1. A variant of slow left arm bowling

2. Male originating from China

Flintoff quits

News today that following his latest in a long line of knee operations, Andrew Flintoff has retired from all cricket. It's hardly a surprise that it's happened - if anything, the surprise is that it's taken this long to finally make the call. He now looks set for a media career where his carefully honed jack-the-lad image will no doubt work for him.

With all the drunken hoonery at Trafalgar Square and the pedalo incident, there's reason for forgetting there was a pretty good cricketer underneath it all. Like most of his generation of England player, the high-water mark of his career was the 2005 Ashes. At this point, everyone thought the world was his for the taking. However, injuries were mounting and a disastrous spell in charge of England, losing the Ashes 5-0, didn't do him any favours. But to over-analyse his career would be to miss the point. He emptied bars; people wanted to watch him. Grounds around the world weren't big enough if he connected and everyone loves a 90+ mph bowler, especially one as whole-hearted as him. The highlights reel has plenty of candidate footage, but we'll leave you with this, perhaps his finest hour:

Boon, David

Enormous moustache with a large, short, thirsty batsman behind it.

Mascarenhas, Dimitri

Dim ex-England all-rounder who decided it would be a good idea to slag off the Chairman of Selectors via the medium of his recently activated Twitter account. Whatever happened to the bitter cigarette on the balcony of the dressing room, with a bottle of Stella in your other hand? Ahh for the good old days. I'm sure Carbs would have humoured you Dimi.

Quick single

The act of taking one run in risky circumstances. Not something Chris Gayle or Inzamam-ul-Haq have ever been known to do. If called through for a quick single by Owais Shah, assume he's wrong and say 'NO', otherwise you will be run out.

Tufnell, Phil

Ex-England left-arm twirler and, without fail, always listed as one of the game's "characters". Plagued by confidence problems and off-field issues during his playing days, Tufnell is one of a select group of ex-cricketers who now makes a living as a professional clown, oscillating between the Test Match Special commentary box and casting sessions for Series 8 of Strictly Come Hell's Kitchen Now Get Me Out Of Here. Or something.
Nicknamed 'The Cat', because he throws up if he's had too much grass.

Symonds, Andrew

1. Aboriginal Michael Bevan impersonator - doesn't do a very good job. Has been robbing county and IPL franchises of large sums of money for a good few years now.

2. Euphemism for pulling a sicky - e.g. sacking off the office team building day to go trout fishing - "Where's Geoff?" "Oh he's not coming - he's pulled a Symonds"

Best, Tino

West Indian fast bowler incapable of breaking the window at Lord's

Lancashire

County.

Finally won the County Championship outright in 2011 after 77 years between drinks.

Short leg

1. Fielding position close to the bat, square on the leg side.

2. Allan Lamb

3. David Boon

New Zealand

1. International team made up almost exclusively of all-rounders who like a bit of long-handle and bowl military medium dobbers (see also Oram, Jacob and Styris, Scott). Consistent over-achievers thanks to being more than the sum of their parts and occasionally unearthing genuine class like Sir Richard Hadlee.

2. Not Australia

Benn, Sulieman

6'8" tall West Indian purveyor of slow left-arm bowling. An incongruous sight for anyone over the age of 30 who still wakes at night, shivering at the thought of that battery of 6'8" fast bowlers who pegged it down, jaw height, at over 95mph.

West Indies

1. International team which used to be made up of a fearsome battery of pace bowlers (see also Roberts, Andy; Garner, Joel; Holding, Michael; Marshall, Malcolm; Walsh, Courtney and Ambrose, Curtly), a masochistic wicketkeeper (see also Dujon, Jeffrey) and some hitters up the top order who could flay any attack to all corners of the ground (see also Greenidge, Gordon; Richards, Sir Vivian; Lloyd, Clive and Hooper, Carl). The bowlers seemed to take pleasure in outdoing each other in causing physical harm to opposition bastmen, the batsmen in causing harm to the averages of opposition bowlers and unwary spectators. Quite simply the most thrilling side there's ever been in the game for a period which ran from the early 1970s through to the mid-90s.

2. Current international team made up of fielders with holes in their hands, batsmen with the attention span of a.... oh, nice pair of shoes you're wearing, dear reader. Where was I? Oh yes, interspersed with fleeting moments of genius (Chris Gayle launching the ball into orbit, for example), they are generally the most lackadaisical set of players to take the field. Hit a new nadir against England when coach John Dyson misread a Duckworth/Lewis sheet and ordered his players to draw the game.

Gayle, Chris

Bafflingly relaxed West Indian opener and captain, renowned for crunching top-order hitting and his famously laid-back manner (Chris does not really do quick singles, or foot movement). If nothing else, he hit Brett Lee out of the Oval. Nuff said.

Slow Left-arm

Frequently innocuous brand of spin-bowling. Inexplicably, Kryptonite for Kevin Pietersen.

Pudding

1. A pitch of poor quality, or one which produces unexciting matches. Frequently encountered at Cardiff, Bristol or Derby.

2. What Ian Austin has for his main course.

Nicholas, Mark

Impossibly middle-class commentator and former Hampshire captain. Prone to outrageous hyperbole, for example "Oh, I say, go, you good thing! I must say, that is a marvellous shot, and what we are seeing here is the birth of a sporting icon! In fact, crumbs, I've just wet myself that was so good!"

Kolpak Ruling

Are you a middling to fair 31-year-old South African, a purveyor of agreeable military medium pace and occasional middle order long handle? Do you have Lance Kluesener in your mobile phonebook? Does your best friend have the surname Du Preez? Congratulations, you are now eligible for English county cricket and, potentially, a national team call-up.

Chucker

Pejorative term used to describe a bowler possessing a dubious action – e.g. James Kirtley. Instantly recognisable on the county circuit due to the shouting of 'NO-BALL!!!' at the point of release by a few wags in the crowd.

Flintoff, Andrew

Biscuit-kneed ex-England all-rounder whose Test batting and bowling averages are both bettered by Anthony McGrath's.
A character.

Stumpy, Willow and

Shortlived Sky/ECB mascot concept which was quietly dropped following riots and looting in seventeen major cities.

Trafalgar Square

Location of an epoch-defining moment in cricket history - Andrew Flintoff being paraded as a national hero despite clearly being blind drunk.

South Africa

Feeder club for the England National Cricket Team. Appears to have recently decided to form some sort of breakaway country, governed by a large man with thirty seven wives. Specialises in wicket-keeper/batsmen who like to send the ball into orbit (see de Villiers, AB, Kieswetter, Craig and Prior, Matt).

Greig, Tony

Insufferable South African/English/Australian commentator whose inability to understand the laws of the game (despite rising to the level of Test match captain during his playing days) leads to several dozen murder sprees a year.

Nel, Andre

Mentally ill South African fast bowler. Hears voices in his head leading to much confrontation on the pitch, particularly when strict disciplinarian Bavarian schoolteacher 'Gunther' is speaking.

Bucknor, Steve

A proper umpire who would probably have strangled Haroon Lorgat with his own white coat if he'd been made to use the Umpire Decision Referral System (UDRS).

Indian Premier League

Circus-like twenty-over tournament, remiscent of an advertising executive's wet dream. Bowlers are seen in the IPL as something of an unneccesary distraction, as is fielding; chubby slog merchant Yuvraj Singh has caused much mirth in cricketing circles by averaging about 7 in recent tournaments, presumably to take the media attention away from Lalit Modi's complete dodgy geezer-ness.

The IPL is also notorious for turning once respected commentators - and Laxman Sivaramakrishnan - into corporate shills by being forced to include all sponsors names at every juncture. And there are a lot. There are no sixes in IPL cricket; they're DLF Maximums. It's not a match turning passage of play; it's a Citi moment of success. Rumour has it that a commentator once referred to a six as a six. He has never been seen since.

Katich, Simon

An elaborate joke played on the English and other cricketing purists, renowned for having a technique so frighteningly ugly small children are told not to look directly at it. No record of him exists before 1995 - it has long been suspected he is actually an Adelaide furniture salesman on an extended sabbatical.

Out

What you are after you've been in. The umpire will decide if you are out and a raised index finger tells you the game is up. Alternatively, just stand there and start a debate with your batting partner to decide if you think the umpire was right.

There are ten ways of getting out:

• Bowled
• Caught
• Stumped
• Run out
• lbw
• Hit wicket
• Handled ball
• Hit ball twice
• Obstructing the field
• Timed out

Some batsmen will walk if they know they're out before the umpire gives them. Some do not. Some will walk part way, catch a replay on the big screen or sight of the coach waving at them, turn round and demand a review under the UDRS. Only the latter are to be vilified.

Run out

One of the ten ways of getting out. You are run out if you have not made your ground before the wickets are broken. There have been some great exponents of the run out down the years, most notably Inzamam-ul-Haq, Owais Shah and Geoffrey Boycott.

France

Nation to which cricket remains a mystery, despite being runners-up in the 1900 Olympic cricket competition. There is French cricket, which seems entirely based around the lbw rule.

Caught

One of the ten ways of getting out. Unlikely to happen if playing against Pakistan or the West Indies.

Boycott, Geoffrey

He is right. You are not.

Duckworth/Lewis

Universally and unfairly maligned system for calculating targets for rain affected limited overs matches. It's an ingenious method that's actually quite simple, if a little involved. Fortunately, it's all computerised, so nobody has to worry about the machinations as sheets are printed off telling everyone what the par score is at any given time. These sheets are, however, printed in such a way as to confuse South Africans and West Indians.
Doesn't work for T20 matches.

Edge

1. Outside parts of a bat. Well, a normal bat, that is. Paul Collingwood's bat is believed to have a middle made out of the edges of other bats.

2. The act of getting a small part of the bat onto the ball. Edges end up in the hands of the slips when playing Australia or through the keeper's gloves and away for four if you're playing Pakistan.

Twitter

Social networking website where Australians announce the squad before it's made official and England players swear at coaches and selectors.

Australian

Brash variety of cricketer often identifiable by bleach-blonde hair. If you're not sure it's an Australian, try asking the cricketer a question. If the answer begins "Aw, look..." then it's an Australian.

Lord's

Cricket ground in the St Johns Wood area of north London. Referred to by everyone outside Yorkshire as 'the home of cricket'. Very definitely the home of numerous old farts wearing silly jackets and ties sat on wooden benches.

England

1. Sporadically successful mens cricket team comprised of a variety of nationalities (it used to be Sub-continentals, West Indians, New Zealanders and Australians, now it's Irish and South Africans). Mainly dreadful. Available for sale to anyone willing to park a helicopter on the square at Lord's.

2. Extremely successful womens cricket team made up of English women. Don't expect to hear much about that though.

Six

The old name for a DLF Maximum (see IPL)

No-ball

A delivery which is deemed illegitimate. The penalty is one run to the batting side plus an extra delivery.

There are a number of reasons for an umpire to call a no-ball.
Front foot (overstepping). This is the common one. Some part of the bowler's front foot must be behind - not on, behind - the line. In limited overs cricket, this also incurs a free hit where the batsman can not be out (unless run out).
Back foot. The bowler's back foot must not intersect the return crease.
Waist-high beamer. A delivery which does not pitch and is above waist height on the batsman.
Intimidatory bowling. If the umpire feels the bowling is too aggressive, such as the infamous Bodyline series or the West Indians in the 1980s. Too much short-pitched bowling aimed at the body is what generally falls under this bracket.

No-balls can also be bowled to order and then revealed in a tawdry series of articles in a low-quality British tabloid newspaper.

Umpire

The on-field, sometimes off-field, arbiter of the laws of the game.
You used to know where you stood with umpires. Fielding side appeal, umpire agrees or disagrees, the game continues. Now, their initial decision is merely a starting point for a wider debate thanks to the umpire decision review system (UDRS) and a third umpire in front of a TV somewhere in the pavilion. They used to wear white coats which made them look like old-timey butchers. It's a variety of outerwear in a range of colours these days, perhaps to try and attract kids to the profession by making them look a bit more 'tuff'.

Other duties of umpires include:

• Holding onto the bowler's hat, jumper, shades etc
• Judging no-balls, wides and intimidatory bowling
• Radioing their mate in the stands every time there's a shy at the stumps
• Bollocking security staff in hi-vis jackets for sitting in front of the sight screen
• Taking players off for bad light at seemingly arbitrary points in time
• No-balling Sri Lankans with dodgy actions (see Hair, Darrell)

Still a better job than being a football referee.

Dobbers

Peculiar type of bowling as specialised by, but not exclusive to, Englishmen of certain dimensions. Slow, straight and infuriatingly hard to hit off the square.

Yardy, Michael

Gangster name of Sussex purveyor of left-arm dobbers, Michael Benkinshaw-Smythe. Prior to the World T20 in the Caribbean in 2010, he felt he had to toughen up his image.

Glad to have lost

Your current correspondent, dear reader, is a Yorkshireman; defiantly, emphatically so. As such, yesterday's loss to Warwickshire in the CB40 semi-final hurt, but on reflection, it's not that big a deal and the reason for that is, as ever, the ECB.

Not content with bloating the T20 calendar out to an eye-watering 150+ games, actively encouraging the recruitment of more overseas players than most counties can afford, attempting to bankrupt counties with international grounds with the crazy bidding system for Tests and ODIs, they're also trying to alienate the fans. The CB40 final is next week, not giving fans much time to arrange travel, but once they start to look for options they'll find them rapidly running out. You see, the ECB in their wisdom have decided that the final will start at 3pm and be played under lights. Even taking aside the lunacy of playing at night deep into September where the game is likely to be decided at the toss, it's not going to be finishing while around 9.30pm, long after the last train home has departed. The cheapest ticket for the game is £30 to which must be added travel, sustenance - including, let's face it, several beers - and either a hotel for the night or short-changing yourself out of an hour or more of cricket.

As it is, Yorkshire didn't post enough runs and Warwickshire picked them off with a bit in hand. Warwickshire fans might just about be able to get back to Birmingham, but Somerset - who walloped Essex in the other semi - face the exact same problem that Yorkshire would have done. I'd have considered going had it been, say, a noon start. This was a good semi to lose.

Intergalactic Brian Jerling

Whilst driving along in the sunshine, Beastie Boys on the CD player, I suddenly had a revelation as to what they were saying. Listen and tell me that the hook isn't "Intergalactic Brian Jerling. Brian Jerling, intergalactic".



They obviously have a higher opinion of the idiosyncratic South African umpire.

Intergalactic indeed: