1. Line just outside off stump in which pace bowlers are often to be found prowling, a term as coined by Sir Geoffrey Boycott.
2. Passageway linking hotel rooms in which Shane Warne is often to be found prowling.
Monday 27 December 2010
Sunday 19 December 2010
The hair weave vs baldness: which is better?
Just what is it about cricketers and the hair weave? It seems the modern pro is a vain creature prone to hiding the onset of time behind a luxuriant, if fake, rug. It wasn't always thus and there is a small band of modern player upholding pride in having a well-ventilated scalp, but it's time to decide which is better: the weave or the chrome-dome.
Rugheads
1. Graham Gooch
A hair-weave pioneer, Gooch brought the workings of hair studios to the attention of the wider public. Now England's batting coach, he has more hair now he's in his fifties than when he was 29.
Rug rating: 8
2. Virender Sehwag
Indian top-order biffer who has had a touch-up as the temples became exposed. Often accused of hot-headedness, additional loft insulation ain't gonna change that.
Rug rating: 6
3. Michael Vaughan
Another one to start going at the temples and so shameless as to plug the.. err, plugs on TV in a cringeworthy ad with fellow weave merchants.
Rug rating: 6
4. Ricky Ponting
It is merely rumoured that the Australian skipper has had some work done. Frankly, if he wants to look more hirsute, he should comb his arm hair over his head.
Rug rating: 5
5. Jacques Kallis
Formerly thinning on top, Kallis emerged for the 2010/11 series with India with a bizarre ginger mop on top. He looks like the South African Bruce Forsyth.
Rug rating: 7
6. Martin Crowe
New Zealander who retired with a completely exposed scalp and rocked up as coach of Bangalore in the IPL with a luxuriant coiffure. A remarkable transformation.
Rug rating: 10
7. Ravi Bopara
Taking the gloves in this XI, Bopara is among the youngest to have had the plug. He's caught it early, so it's not immediately noticeable, hence only a moderate rating.
Rug rating: 6
8. Greg Matthews
Off-spin bowling Australian all-rounder whose temples receded and left a small island of hair at the front. That being the case, he had two options: get rid totally or fill in the gaps.
Rug rating: 7
9. Shane Warne
Another shill for the services he's received from his plug merchants, he would, in his own words, "look like a cricket ball" without the miracle cure. Small, round and red. Sounds about right.
Rug rating: 8
10. Rana Naved
Pakistan pace bowler who departed Sussex a cue-ball and rocked up the season after at Yorkshire with a lavish re-turfing job upstairs.
Rug rating: 7
11. Doug Bollinger
Aussie left-armer whose returf job is so obvious - and he seems so precious about it - that he's the first recipient to carry it round as a nickname, Doug the Rug.
Rug rating: 10
Baldies
1. Sanath Jayasuriya
Baldness was inevitable for the Sri Lankan thrash-merchant as he played until he was round about 104 years old. Even then, he was more than capable of launching it into orbit.
Cueball rating: 9
2. Kim Barnett
Stoic opening bat, Derbyshire stalwart who made four Test appearances for England. His baldness was aided by batting on until he was well into his 40s, but it had already set in long before that.
Cueball rating: 9
3. Jonathan Trott
The Cape Town-born Warwickshire grinder seems totally disinterested in covering his exposed pate as doing so has no direct relation to the steady accumulation of bucketloads of runs. Until such time as a weave can be delivered while grinding ones way to a 300-ball fifty, it's unlikely that Trott will ever be convinced it's worthwhile.
Cueball rating: 5 (but improving day by day)
4. Darren Lehmann
The spiritual hero of all of us here at Tasty Morkels, appearances never seemed to bother Lehmann unduly. If he was vain, he'd have been slimmer, had a better diet, smoked less and gone for the weave. He did none of these and that's why he's a better man than you.
Cueball rating: 10
5. Brian Close
Tough-as-teak Yorkshireman whose chrome-dome was used in lieu of a helmet.
Cueball rating: 10
6. Yusuf Pathan
Indian long-handle merchant whose hairline is receding quicker than a massive slog over cow corner.
Cueball rating: 5
7. Tony Greig
The internationally renowned gobshite hid his baldness under an elaborate comb-over during his playing days, but now looks like his head kept on growing upwards through his hair to leave his crown bereft of foliage.
Cueball rating: 6
8. Matt Prior
Bare-bonced England wicketkeeper whose cultivation of a beard has the effect of making him look like his head is on upside-down.
Cueball rating: 8
9. Chris Harris
One of the battery of baldy Kiwis in the 1990s/early 2000s, Harris was a genuine all-rounder. All round was also the shape of his shiny, shiny head.
Cueball rating: 8
10. Charl Willoughby
Lanky South African seamer who only managed two Test matches (one wicket for 125) as only hirsute bowlers were allowed to play for the country at the time.
Cueball rating: 8
11. Chris Martin
Gangling New Zealand paceman who was hopelessly inept with the bat, but finagled several wickets by making the sun glint off his noggin into the batsman's eyes.
Cueball rating: 8
All of which leaves it Rugheads 80-86 Baldies which proves that letting nature take it's course is demonstrably better than raging against the dying of the light. Good on you for not wasting your money.
Rugheads
1. Graham Gooch
A hair-weave pioneer, Gooch brought the workings of hair studios to the attention of the wider public. Now England's batting coach, he has more hair now he's in his fifties than when he was 29.
Rug rating: 8
2. Virender Sehwag
Indian top-order biffer who has had a touch-up as the temples became exposed. Often accused of hot-headedness, additional loft insulation ain't gonna change that.
Rug rating: 6
3. Michael Vaughan
Another one to start going at the temples and so shameless as to plug the.. err, plugs on TV in a cringeworthy ad with fellow weave merchants.
Rug rating: 6
4. Ricky Ponting
It is merely rumoured that the Australian skipper has had some work done. Frankly, if he wants to look more hirsute, he should comb his arm hair over his head.
Rug rating: 5
5. Jacques Kallis
Formerly thinning on top, Kallis emerged for the 2010/11 series with India with a bizarre ginger mop on top. He looks like the South African Bruce Forsyth.
Rug rating: 7
6. Martin Crowe
New Zealander who retired with a completely exposed scalp and rocked up as coach of Bangalore in the IPL with a luxuriant coiffure. A remarkable transformation.
Rug rating: 10
7. Ravi Bopara
Taking the gloves in this XI, Bopara is among the youngest to have had the plug. He's caught it early, so it's not immediately noticeable, hence only a moderate rating.
Rug rating: 6
8. Greg Matthews
Off-spin bowling Australian all-rounder whose temples receded and left a small island of hair at the front. That being the case, he had two options: get rid totally or fill in the gaps.
Rug rating: 7
9. Shane Warne
Another shill for the services he's received from his plug merchants, he would, in his own words, "look like a cricket ball" without the miracle cure. Small, round and red. Sounds about right.
Rug rating: 8
10. Rana Naved
Pakistan pace bowler who departed Sussex a cue-ball and rocked up the season after at Yorkshire with a lavish re-turfing job upstairs.
Rug rating: 7
11. Doug Bollinger
Aussie left-armer whose returf job is so obvious - and he seems so precious about it - that he's the first recipient to carry it round as a nickname, Doug the Rug.
Rug rating: 10
Baldies
1. Sanath Jayasuriya
Baldness was inevitable for the Sri Lankan thrash-merchant as he played until he was round about 104 years old. Even then, he was more than capable of launching it into orbit.
Cueball rating: 9
2. Kim Barnett
Stoic opening bat, Derbyshire stalwart who made four Test appearances for England. His baldness was aided by batting on until he was well into his 40s, but it had already set in long before that.
Cueball rating: 9
3. Jonathan Trott
The Cape Town-born Warwickshire grinder seems totally disinterested in covering his exposed pate as doing so has no direct relation to the steady accumulation of bucketloads of runs. Until such time as a weave can be delivered while grinding ones way to a 300-ball fifty, it's unlikely that Trott will ever be convinced it's worthwhile.
Cueball rating: 5 (but improving day by day)
4. Darren Lehmann
The spiritual hero of all of us here at Tasty Morkels, appearances never seemed to bother Lehmann unduly. If he was vain, he'd have been slimmer, had a better diet, smoked less and gone for the weave. He did none of these and that's why he's a better man than you.
Cueball rating: 10
5. Brian Close
Tough-as-teak Yorkshireman whose chrome-dome was used in lieu of a helmet.
Cueball rating: 10
6. Yusuf Pathan
Indian long-handle merchant whose hairline is receding quicker than a massive slog over cow corner.
Cueball rating: 5
7. Tony Greig
The internationally renowned gobshite hid his baldness under an elaborate comb-over during his playing days, but now looks like his head kept on growing upwards through his hair to leave his crown bereft of foliage.
Cueball rating: 6
8. Matt Prior
Bare-bonced England wicketkeeper whose cultivation of a beard has the effect of making him look like his head is on upside-down.
Cueball rating: 8
9. Chris Harris
One of the battery of baldy Kiwis in the 1990s/early 2000s, Harris was a genuine all-rounder. All round was also the shape of his shiny, shiny head.
Cueball rating: 8
10. Charl Willoughby
Lanky South African seamer who only managed two Test matches (one wicket for 125) as only hirsute bowlers were allowed to play for the country at the time.
Cueball rating: 8
11. Chris Martin
Gangling New Zealand paceman who was hopelessly inept with the bat, but finagled several wickets by making the sun glint off his noggin into the batsman's eyes.
Cueball rating: 8
All of which leaves it Rugheads 80-86 Baldies which proves that letting nature take it's course is demonstrably better than raging against the dying of the light. Good on you for not wasting your money.
Fletcher, Duncan
Former England coach and professional bloodhound impersonator. Zimbabwean captain before they were given Test status. Devised the Zimbabwean car registration system (this is a fact, not a lie).
Sehwag, Virender
Indian batsman who takes the theory about attack being the best form of defence to ridiculous extremes. Need to bat for two days to save a game? Why not try flaying the attack to all corners for a quickfire 50 and then get out caught on the fence while slogging? It's the Sehwag method.
You can make your own Sehwag using these ingredients:
Treat with care and your Sehwag will dazzle and infuriate in equal measures for many years.
You can make your own Sehwag using these ingredients:
- 2 fast hands
- 2 feet encased in concrete
- 1 massive lump of willow
- 1 complete and utter disregard for the reputation of bowlers
- 1 dislike of running too much
- hair weave to taste
- occasional spin
Treat with care and your Sehwag will dazzle and infuriate in equal measures for many years.
Saturday 18 December 2010
Beards v Moustaches: which is better?
Cricket has a long history of facial furniture. Neatly cropped beards and moustaches are always something to be admired, but which is better? Only one way to find out.
Beards
1. Ramiz Raja
Always a well-groomed man, Raja favours a thin goatee which has acquired a dusting of grey as years advance. A talented opening batsman, he never really got the Test runs he ought to have done, but with a luxuriant coiffure mated to that pencil-line beard meant he always looked stylish.
Beard rating: 6
2. Saeed Anwar
Pakistan opener who held the highest ODI score for a long time with 194 until a certain Sachin Tedulkar upstaged him. Made 4000 Test runs at better than 45, all whilst sporting a beard like a rhodedendron bush.
Beard rating: 9
3. Sir Vivian Richards
The Master Blaster used his bat as a destructive weapon and a closely cropped, neatly trimmed beard as his only protection.
Beard rating: 7
4. Hashim Amla
Nothing on top, no moustache, but a massive shrub on his chin, Amla is a very modern beard-wearer. An unfortunate comparison by Dean Jones led to his sacking as a TV pundit who, we can only imagine, is a big fan of Four Lions.
Beard rating: 10
5. Mohammed Yousuf
If Amla modelled his beard on anybody's, it's Yousuf. Formerly Yousuf Youhana, the beard emerged only after a conversion to Islam. Pre-beard, Yousuf averaged in the low- to mid-forties. Post-beard, it's high 50s, proving beyond doubt that Islam is a force for good in the world.
Beard rating: 10
6. WG Grace
The original and undoubtedly the best. The Doctor was cricket's first superstar, though it's reckoned that beard fans were equal in number at games to cricket afficionados. But behind that beard lay the dark heart and mind of a cheat, a marketeer and a publicist. Beware people who write their own legend.
Beard rating: 11
6. Ian Botham
A clean shaven young lad burst onto the scene in the mid-seventies, but it was only when Botham developed the trademark beard that he hit the heights of international cricket. Never the most flamboyant beard, but his whiskery trademark added effortless cool to his brutal batting.
Beard rating: 7
7. Jeff Dujon
As keeper to the great West Indies side of the 1980s, Dujon became the first superstar stumper. With that battery of quicks at the other end, thumping 90-95mph deliveries into his gloves all day, he had the hardest hands in the world which probably made shaving a problem. Consequently, a neatly bushy beard sprouted from his lower jaw.
Beard rating: 7
8. Malcolm Marshall
When he was pegging balls down at your head at around 95mph, you could be forgiven for being struck by the neatness of the trim with a slight hint of silver. Classy stuff from the quick man.
Beard rating: 8
9. Michael Holding
Whispering Death is one of the all-time great sporting nicknames. Loping in off his run which seemed to start on the boundary fence, he glided into the stumps like a well-sharpened razor across a stubbly face. That's something Holding clearly had no time for.
Beard rating: 6
10. Mike Hendrick
Hendrick's 30 Tests for England came at a great time for beards - between 1974 and 1981. He took 87 wickets in that time at under 26 apiece all the while looking like a spare guitarist from Fairport Convention.
Beard rating: 9
11. Saqlain Mushtaq
Throughout his career, as Saqlain's hairline receded, the beard extended to the point at which it extended a good half a foot beyond the end of his chin.
Beard rating: 9
Moustaches
1. Gordon Greenidge
Beware a limping Greenidge, went the adage. If he was limping, he'd tend to crash everything to the fence instead. As if to further wind up the former colonialists, he did it all with a vestigial handlebar soup-strainer that wouldn't have looked out of place in an officer's mess.
Tache rating: 7
2. Ravi Shastri
As clipped and stylish as his dulcet tones, Shastri's moustache went like a tracer bullet across his upper lip throughout his career.
Tache rating: 7
3. David Boon
The short Tasmanian had a broom head for a moustache which served to filter out the worst of his favoured brands of Australian canned piss.
Tache rating: 10
4. Allan Border
While annoying the hell out of generations of England fans and players, Border opted for the squadron leader style facial furniture which can be the only thing that distracted Mike Gatting to play that reverse sweep in the 1987 World Cup.
Tache rating: 6
5. Clive Lloyd
Lloyd's moustache drooped down around the sides of his mouth to give him a hangdog expression which was only furthered by his languid batting style. It belied an inner calm and steely determination matched only by the extreme power he wielded with the willow.
Tache rating: 9
6. Lord Hawke
Lincolnshire-born, but Yorkshire's greatest ever captain, presiding over a glorious decade before WWII. His moustache was like anything bowled on his pads; beautifully clipped.
Tache rating: 8
7. Sir Richard Hadlee
Possibly the only New Zealander to be in the all-time-great category, Hadlee's pencil moustache stuck rigidly to upper lip throughout his career and into retirement where it lives happily today.
Tache rating: 7
8. Jack Russell
Russell's top-lip topiary was as raggedy and idiosyncratic as the player himself. Disorganised, shabby, typically English eccentric, his batting style and moustache were a perfect complement to one another.
Tache rating: 9
9. Robin Jackman
Born in India, wintered in Rhodesia, it was obvious that Jackman would play for England. A stocky pace bowler, his four Tests came clean shaven, but he's developed a lovely soup strainer in retirement where he's to be found in the commentary box taking on the mannerisms of a favourite uncle.
Tache rating: 8
10. Merv Hughes
The fat bus driver's trademark moustache drooped prodigiously down both sides to create a boomerang effect. Terrifying when he was playing, he's maintained it in retirement where it looks a bit of a throwback to an age when men were men.
Tache rating: 10
11. Dennis Lillee
Probably the inspiration for Hughes and a whole generation of moustachioed Australians, Lillee was in many ways a pioneer of extravagant whiskeriness. The fastest bowler of his generation - and that was up against some fierce competition - the tache flapping in the breeze as he hurtled in was enough to put most batters off before he'd even reached his delivery stride.
Tache rating: 10
In the final tally, it ends Beards 99-91 Moustaches. Definitive proof if ever it existed that beards are better.
Beards
1. Ramiz Raja
Always a well-groomed man, Raja favours a thin goatee which has acquired a dusting of grey as years advance. A talented opening batsman, he never really got the Test runs he ought to have done, but with a luxuriant coiffure mated to that pencil-line beard meant he always looked stylish.
Beard rating: 6
2. Saeed Anwar
Pakistan opener who held the highest ODI score for a long time with 194 until a certain Sachin Tedulkar upstaged him. Made 4000 Test runs at better than 45, all whilst sporting a beard like a rhodedendron bush.
Beard rating: 9
3. Sir Vivian Richards
The Master Blaster used his bat as a destructive weapon and a closely cropped, neatly trimmed beard as his only protection.
Beard rating: 7
4. Hashim Amla
Nothing on top, no moustache, but a massive shrub on his chin, Amla is a very modern beard-wearer. An unfortunate comparison by Dean Jones led to his sacking as a TV pundit who, we can only imagine, is a big fan of Four Lions.
Beard rating: 10
5. Mohammed Yousuf
If Amla modelled his beard on anybody's, it's Yousuf. Formerly Yousuf Youhana, the beard emerged only after a conversion to Islam. Pre-beard, Yousuf averaged in the low- to mid-forties. Post-beard, it's high 50s, proving beyond doubt that Islam is a force for good in the world.
Beard rating: 10
6. WG Grace
The original and undoubtedly the best. The Doctor was cricket's first superstar, though it's reckoned that beard fans were equal in number at games to cricket afficionados. But behind that beard lay the dark heart and mind of a cheat, a marketeer and a publicist. Beware people who write their own legend.
Beard rating: 11
6. Ian Botham
A clean shaven young lad burst onto the scene in the mid-seventies, but it was only when Botham developed the trademark beard that he hit the heights of international cricket. Never the most flamboyant beard, but his whiskery trademark added effortless cool to his brutal batting.
Beard rating: 7
7. Jeff Dujon
As keeper to the great West Indies side of the 1980s, Dujon became the first superstar stumper. With that battery of quicks at the other end, thumping 90-95mph deliveries into his gloves all day, he had the hardest hands in the world which probably made shaving a problem. Consequently, a neatly bushy beard sprouted from his lower jaw.
Beard rating: 7
8. Malcolm Marshall
When he was pegging balls down at your head at around 95mph, you could be forgiven for being struck by the neatness of the trim with a slight hint of silver. Classy stuff from the quick man.
Beard rating: 8
9. Michael Holding
Whispering Death is one of the all-time great sporting nicknames. Loping in off his run which seemed to start on the boundary fence, he glided into the stumps like a well-sharpened razor across a stubbly face. That's something Holding clearly had no time for.
Beard rating: 6
10. Mike Hendrick
Hendrick's 30 Tests for England came at a great time for beards - between 1974 and 1981. He took 87 wickets in that time at under 26 apiece all the while looking like a spare guitarist from Fairport Convention.
Beard rating: 9
11. Saqlain Mushtaq
Throughout his career, as Saqlain's hairline receded, the beard extended to the point at which it extended a good half a foot beyond the end of his chin.
Beard rating: 9
Moustaches
1. Gordon Greenidge
Beware a limping Greenidge, went the adage. If he was limping, he'd tend to crash everything to the fence instead. As if to further wind up the former colonialists, he did it all with a vestigial handlebar soup-strainer that wouldn't have looked out of place in an officer's mess.
Tache rating: 7
2. Ravi Shastri
As clipped and stylish as his dulcet tones, Shastri's moustache went like a tracer bullet across his upper lip throughout his career.
Tache rating: 7
3. David Boon
The short Tasmanian had a broom head for a moustache which served to filter out the worst of his favoured brands of Australian canned piss.
Tache rating: 10
4. Allan Border
While annoying the hell out of generations of England fans and players, Border opted for the squadron leader style facial furniture which can be the only thing that distracted Mike Gatting to play that reverse sweep in the 1987 World Cup.
Tache rating: 6
5. Clive Lloyd
Lloyd's moustache drooped down around the sides of his mouth to give him a hangdog expression which was only furthered by his languid batting style. It belied an inner calm and steely determination matched only by the extreme power he wielded with the willow.
Tache rating: 9
6. Lord Hawke
Lincolnshire-born, but Yorkshire's greatest ever captain, presiding over a glorious decade before WWII. His moustache was like anything bowled on his pads; beautifully clipped.
Tache rating: 8
7. Sir Richard Hadlee
Possibly the only New Zealander to be in the all-time-great category, Hadlee's pencil moustache stuck rigidly to upper lip throughout his career and into retirement where it lives happily today.
Tache rating: 7
8. Jack Russell
Russell's top-lip topiary was as raggedy and idiosyncratic as the player himself. Disorganised, shabby, typically English eccentric, his batting style and moustache were a perfect complement to one another.
Tache rating: 9
9. Robin Jackman
Born in India, wintered in Rhodesia, it was obvious that Jackman would play for England. A stocky pace bowler, his four Tests came clean shaven, but he's developed a lovely soup strainer in retirement where he's to be found in the commentary box taking on the mannerisms of a favourite uncle.
Tache rating: 8
10. Merv Hughes
The fat bus driver's trademark moustache drooped prodigiously down both sides to create a boomerang effect. Terrifying when he was playing, he's maintained it in retirement where it looks a bit of a throwback to an age when men were men.
Tache rating: 10
11. Dennis Lillee
Probably the inspiration for Hughes and a whole generation of moustachioed Australians, Lillee was in many ways a pioneer of extravagant whiskeriness. The fastest bowler of his generation - and that was up against some fierce competition - the tache flapping in the breeze as he hurtled in was enough to put most batters off before he'd even reached his delivery stride.
Tache rating: 10
In the final tally, it ends Beards 99-91 Moustaches. Definitive proof if ever it existed that beards are better.
Collingwood's backlift
Unit of measurement on the microscopic scale, approximately equal to two nanometres. As in "This sofa won't fit through your door sir. It's six Collingwood backlifts too wide".
Wednesday 15 December 2010
Nightwatchman
Reprehensible tactic that sees a lower order player come in early in order to protect a top order batsman from getting himself out. Tacit admission that your actual batsmen aren't up to the job and leaves the lower-middle order fewer partners with which to score runs.
If that reasoned debate wasn't enough to convince you that it's a tactic wants scrapping, the fact that Jason Gillespie has a Test double-ton playing as a nightwatchman should just about do it.
If that reasoned debate wasn't enough to convince you that it's a tactic wants scrapping, the fact that Jason Gillespie has a Test double-ton playing as a nightwatchman should just about do it.
Thursday 2 December 2010
Harmison, Steve
Ex-England fast bowler who should be remembered for feats such as 7-12 in Jamaica or the wonderful slower ball that got Michael Clarke in the 2005 Ashes, but will forever be remembered for the first ball of the 2006/7 Ashes. Dear oh dear.
Sunday 28 November 2010
Don't do a Nasser
If you're anything like us, you probably still get a chill when you think of Nasser Hussain saying "we'll have a bowl" on a bone-dry Gabba wicket in 2002. There's a simple mantra to combat this ever happening again and now you can let everyone know about it in t-shirt form.
Buy it here
Buy it here
Doherty, Xavier
Australian purveyor of left-arm spin. Picked for Test duties purely because of Kevin Pietersen's inability to read slow left-armers. Doherty has an action so unutterably ugly that he's the bowling equivalent of Simon Katich, i.e. something you shouldn't look at directly in case your eyes shrivel up and fall out.
Saturday 27 November 2010
Thursday 25 November 2010
Taylor, Peter
Australian right arm spin bowler, left handed batsman. His initial selection for the national side saw him referred to as Peter Who? (Exactly)
Took 6/78 v England on his test debut and in the 13 tests he played had a bowling average a tad under 40. His batting was probably better than his bowling in tests with a 26 average and a couple of 50's to boot.
Also a member of the successful World Cup winning squad in 1987 and made 87 appearances for the one day side with a better bowling average than batting average.
Took 6/78 v England on his test debut and in the 13 tests he played had a bowling average a tad under 40. His batting was probably better than his bowling in tests with a 26 average and a couple of 50's to boot.
Also a member of the successful World Cup winning squad in 1987 and made 87 appearances for the one day side with a better bowling average than batting average.
Wednesday 24 November 2010
JCL
Johnny Come Lately. Term descriptive of the sort of cricket fan who only started watching in 2005 and thinks lbw is a type of sandwich.
Sunday 21 November 2010
Vettori, Daniel
New Zealand captain, left arm spinner. Standard bearer for glasses wearers around the world. Brushed off suggestions that New Zealand should perform a haka before a game by saying "geeky white fellers shouldn't do hakas".
5 reasons why Chris is wrong and Australia will win the Ashes
I like my colleague Chris. His Ashes piece the other day was a reasoned article, well balanced and a good read. He's dead wrong though. England won't win the Ashes and here are five reasons why not.
1. It's all going far too well
England have gone about things calmly, professionally, almost to the point of ruthlessly. They've had good plans throughout, have won all their tour matches in convincing style and even the back-up bowlers are hitting their lengths, getting movement through the air and off some fairly lifeless pitches. Meanwhile, Australia have been scratching around playing some appalling cricket and their Test players sent back to play state cricket have been pisspoor at best.
It simply can't last. I was hoping Australia A might force a reality sandwich down the throats of England fans, players, staff and media, but it hasn't happened. We're being set up for a massive fall and when James Anderson's first ball at Adelaide sails over second slip's head and away for four byes, I'll be the one to say "I told you so".
2. Too many options
We all thought we knew England's starting XI. The batsmen pick themselves and the bowling unit looks settled. Or at least it did right up until the Australia A game where Chris Tremlett, Tim Bresnan and even Monty Panesar all bowled really well. The pick of the bowlers there was Ajmal Shahzad who isn't even in the official Ashes touring party. He's in the performance squad, but has suddenly put his name up for serious consideration for Brisbane. The temptation to tinker with something that works may prove too strong.
3. Lack of alternatives
By contrast to the bowlers, the batting looks strangely thin. Watching Alastair Cook over the last 12 months has been so awful that showing his technique to terrorism suspects in order to extract confessions has been barred on grounds that it's simply too cruel (Simon Katich was going to be used by the USA until Dick Cheney decided it was going way too far over the line). If he fails, there is no other option at the top of the order. So convinced in their selection over the last few months, England have taken just the two openers with them. That move could be exposed if Australia get into Cook early on.
4. Australia simply aren't that bad
They've not been great - that much is obvious - but one glance at the Test records of the Australian side is enough to show what they can do. Ricky Ponting is undoubtedly one of the all-time greats and they've a battery of seamers who bowl at a seriously rapid pace. Moreover, they use the Kookaburra ball week in, week out as opposed to the Duke which Anderson and co were hooping around the bemusement of Bangladesh and Pakistan through the summer. Cricket Australia has also managed to pull off the impossible - convince everyone that Shane Watson is a Test opener. And if they can do that, anything is possible.
5. It'd just be bloody typical
Even people who only started watching cricket on the back of the 2005 Ashes know enough about English cricket to understand that dizzying highs are inevitably followed by spirit-crushing, soul-destroying lows. The comedown from an English Test series win is far worse than you'll find from any class A narcotic. The last big one was the 2006/7 Ashes and some people are still rocking themselves to sleep, bathed in cold sweat at the thought of Steve Harmison's first ball. It's not just the big tickets either - it works in microcosm. For every Michael Vaughan swivel-pull for yet another graceful boundary, there's Shane Warne's ball to Michael Gatting. You say Botham launching it into the Headingley confectionery stall, I say Peter Taylor (who?) taking six-for.
It would be typical of England to muck this up every bit as much as it'd be typical of Australia to shrug off their recent woes and deliver yet more pain to the long-suffering England fans. It's happened too bloody often.
Obviously I hope I'm wrong, but unlike the rest of you, I'm not turning my expectations up to eleven. Therefore I'll take more joy in victory and less pain from defeat.
1. It's all going far too well
England have gone about things calmly, professionally, almost to the point of ruthlessly. They've had good plans throughout, have won all their tour matches in convincing style and even the back-up bowlers are hitting their lengths, getting movement through the air and off some fairly lifeless pitches. Meanwhile, Australia have been scratching around playing some appalling cricket and their Test players sent back to play state cricket have been pisspoor at best.
It simply can't last. I was hoping Australia A might force a reality sandwich down the throats of England fans, players, staff and media, but it hasn't happened. We're being set up for a massive fall and when James Anderson's first ball at Adelaide sails over second slip's head and away for four byes, I'll be the one to say "I told you so".
2. Too many options
We all thought we knew England's starting XI. The batsmen pick themselves and the bowling unit looks settled. Or at least it did right up until the Australia A game where Chris Tremlett, Tim Bresnan and even Monty Panesar all bowled really well. The pick of the bowlers there was Ajmal Shahzad who isn't even in the official Ashes touring party. He's in the performance squad, but has suddenly put his name up for serious consideration for Brisbane. The temptation to tinker with something that works may prove too strong.
3. Lack of alternatives
By contrast to the bowlers, the batting looks strangely thin. Watching Alastair Cook over the last 12 months has been so awful that showing his technique to terrorism suspects in order to extract confessions has been barred on grounds that it's simply too cruel (Simon Katich was going to be used by the USA until Dick Cheney decided it was going way too far over the line). If he fails, there is no other option at the top of the order. So convinced in their selection over the last few months, England have taken just the two openers with them. That move could be exposed if Australia get into Cook early on.
4. Australia simply aren't that bad
They've not been great - that much is obvious - but one glance at the Test records of the Australian side is enough to show what they can do. Ricky Ponting is undoubtedly one of the all-time greats and they've a battery of seamers who bowl at a seriously rapid pace. Moreover, they use the Kookaburra ball week in, week out as opposed to the Duke which Anderson and co were hooping around the bemusement of Bangladesh and Pakistan through the summer. Cricket Australia has also managed to pull off the impossible - convince everyone that Shane Watson is a Test opener. And if they can do that, anything is possible.
5. It'd just be bloody typical
Even people who only started watching cricket on the back of the 2005 Ashes know enough about English cricket to understand that dizzying highs are inevitably followed by spirit-crushing, soul-destroying lows. The comedown from an English Test series win is far worse than you'll find from any class A narcotic. The last big one was the 2006/7 Ashes and some people are still rocking themselves to sleep, bathed in cold sweat at the thought of Steve Harmison's first ball. It's not just the big tickets either - it works in microcosm. For every Michael Vaughan swivel-pull for yet another graceful boundary, there's Shane Warne's ball to Michael Gatting. You say Botham launching it into the Headingley confectionery stall, I say Peter Taylor (who?) taking six-for.
It would be typical of England to muck this up every bit as much as it'd be typical of Australia to shrug off their recent woes and deliver yet more pain to the long-suffering England fans. It's happened too bloody often.
Obviously I hope I'm wrong, but unlike the rest of you, I'm not turning my expectations up to eleven. Therefore I'll take more joy in victory and less pain from defeat.
Tuesday 16 November 2010
5 reasons why (I think) England will win the Ashes
Here's my (mammoth) piece of conjecture spun into an ashes preview (of sorts):
1. Form
You might say that going into an Ashes series, this matters little, but the diverging fortunes of the two sides in the last year can’t pass without at least some comment. Yes, England could have played against more taxing opposition recently and yes, their most recent test opponents were a complete shambles, mired in ugly spot-fixing allegations, but they still performed admirably to defeat those sides largely comprehensively. And not forgetting the draw in South Africa at the turn of the year in a compelling series against one of cricket’s best sides (the true test of just how good this current India side are will come in England next summer).
Australia, by contrast, have had a wretched time, losing a test series to Pakistan in England in June, losing in India and then losing a home one-day series to Sri Lanka. In days of yore, even the best Aussie sides struggled in India but they never, ever lost at home. When we talk about the idea of the Ockers losing their ‘aura’ case for the prosecution begins with their home form; This is backed up by sluggish ticket sales for this series which gives an indication of the confidence (or lack thereof) of the usually bullish Aussie punter.
2. Pressure
Ricky Ponting is a man under pressure. He does not, under any circumstances, want to be the captain who loses the Ashes three times (and lets England win on Australian soil for the first time in 25 years). Cricket Australia is under pressure, as can be seen from the recent reshuffling in the selection panel and all the little arguments that must surely have occurred for this to have taken place.
Marcus North is under pressure; He has been talked about as ‘captaincy material’ and a potential successor to Ponting – a number of players have been vocal in their support for the left-hander and he is clearly a popular character, yet after a good start in 2008/9 he has seriously under-delivered with bat in hand and this series is surely his last throw of the dice. Similarly Michael Hussey, the lynchpin of the One-Day side, has had a rotten last 18 months and the public is losing patience with ‘Mr Cricket’. Neither player has scored meaningfully in state cricket recently, and they are both having their positions squeezed by batsmen who have; Most notably stylish New South Wales left-hander Usman Khawaja and Callum Ferguson.
England will have a degree of expectation themselves, having been talked up much prior to jetting down under and enjoying a profitable warm-up schedule. They will be the most confidant Ashes squad for some time, so they must ensure they are not overawed by the occasion or pressurized into errors by the Aussie bowlers. But Andrew Strauss is a shrewd, respected captain and Andy Flower clearly has a very good idea of his favoured starting XI. In this respect, things bode well.
3. The game-breaker
Graeme Swann is no shrinking violet, and seemingly revels in the label of being England’s “go-to” wicket-taking bowler. The Nottinghamshire offie simply has a knack of taking big wickets at the right time, and has demonstrated that he does not need helpful pitches to do so (South Africa is hardly renowned for its dustbowl pitches yet he positively thrived there last winter). Australia tried to target Swann last year, with precious little success, and he will be expected to be a pivotal figure once again. Also capable of delivering valuable runs down the order, it seems fair to assume that, if Swann bowls well, England stand a hugely improved chance of winning. By contrast, Nathan Hauritz is a widely derided choice of spinner for the Aussies, who appears to possess neither the guile nor the appreciable turn Swann can deliver in spades. Young Leggy Steven Smith is a popular choice to replace him, but it is likely the selectors, traditionally a conservative bunch, will stick with Hauritz barring a disaster early on. Quite simply, for once spin is an area where England have the edge over their great rivals.
4. A settled attack
What is Australia’s first-choice bowling attack? Mitchell Johnson, for all his faults, appears a shoo-in, but who should join him? Doug Bollinger has been a regular, but is racing to be fit in time for the first test and, if he succeeds, will be understandably rusty; Ben Hilfenhaus swung the ball in England but is not always threatening; Peter Siddle is another one coming back from a succession of injuries. Without Brett Lee, there is a notable lack of fear in that attack. Then there’s the unknown quantities, such as beanpole Peter George (who toiled in India, but then who doesn’t, on debut?) and Ryan Harris, who has taken lots of wickets this season but is untried in test cricket. The Aussie selectors face a tough task getting a settled attack together and fitting them around a spinner.
By contrast, it seems fairly clear that England will go in with one spinner (Swann) plus, at least to begin with, Broad, Anderson and Finn. The concerns about their ability to swing the Kookaburra ball have been allayed by their form in the warm-ups, and the back-ups seem reasonable; Chris Tremlett is fast and will extract bounce; Shazhad is a dangerous reverse swing merchant and Bresnan takes wickets too. This has been the case throughout the last 6 months or so. England look to have a more settled, consistent bowling attack and, if anything, Broad and Anderson have improved since 2009.
5. Run-scorers
Going into the tour the main concern for England was the batting form of Messrs Cook, Pietersen and Collingwood. All valid points – Pietersen without a test century since March 2009, Collingwood enduring a wretched 2010, Cook looking nervous and tentative in his footwork. The omens from the warm-up are initially positive; All have made runs, Pietersen is still clearly not 100% at his best but, if he can raise his game against anyone, it is the Australians. Cook scored a much-needed hundred in the South Australia warm-up game; Collingwood has the mental toughness to see off any lapse in form and of course made a memorable double ton on his last Ashes tour. All three, while not at their best, could not be described as ‘horribly out of form’ as a result and Pietersen especially should prosper in Australian conditions.
Add to that the reliable accumulation of Strauss, Trott and Matt Prior (yes, I know, I can’t believe it either, but he’s done well recently) and you have a relatively positive outlook. Trott’s importance as a gritty competitor can’t be underestimated; The sort of player that, wearing the baggy green, would have infuriated England in the past.
On the Australian side, expect Shane Watson to prosper and Simon Katich to enthral us all with his gorgeous technique (yeah right – but he’s effective) and the returning Brad Haddin can usually provide some middle order muscle. Australia’s problem essentially is not so much form as a worrying tendency to give their wicket away; Ponting, Hussey, North and Clarke have all been guilty in the recent past of getting starts then getting out. This was exposed in 2009 by Broad et al first of all, and does not appear to have been rectified. Of course, on their day the likes of Ponting and Clarke can still punish bowling attacks, but recently those days have become further and further apart. Plus, England have their wildcard; Improvising, rubber-wristed little genius Eoin Morgan, who so irritated the Aussies in the one dayers last year.
Prediction
Australia are not to be written off (even though it would appear I’ve done just that) but England have enough in their arsenal to win, if they play to the level we know they can. 2-1 win for England and a memorable retention of the urn.
1. Form
You might say that going into an Ashes series, this matters little, but the diverging fortunes of the two sides in the last year can’t pass without at least some comment. Yes, England could have played against more taxing opposition recently and yes, their most recent test opponents were a complete shambles, mired in ugly spot-fixing allegations, but they still performed admirably to defeat those sides largely comprehensively. And not forgetting the draw in South Africa at the turn of the year in a compelling series against one of cricket’s best sides (the true test of just how good this current India side are will come in England next summer).
Australia, by contrast, have had a wretched time, losing a test series to Pakistan in England in June, losing in India and then losing a home one-day series to Sri Lanka. In days of yore, even the best Aussie sides struggled in India but they never, ever lost at home. When we talk about the idea of the Ockers losing their ‘aura’ case for the prosecution begins with their home form; This is backed up by sluggish ticket sales for this series which gives an indication of the confidence (or lack thereof) of the usually bullish Aussie punter.
2. Pressure
Ricky Ponting is a man under pressure. He does not, under any circumstances, want to be the captain who loses the Ashes three times (and lets England win on Australian soil for the first time in 25 years). Cricket Australia is under pressure, as can be seen from the recent reshuffling in the selection panel and all the little arguments that must surely have occurred for this to have taken place.
Marcus North is under pressure; He has been talked about as ‘captaincy material’ and a potential successor to Ponting – a number of players have been vocal in their support for the left-hander and he is clearly a popular character, yet after a good start in 2008/9 he has seriously under-delivered with bat in hand and this series is surely his last throw of the dice. Similarly Michael Hussey, the lynchpin of the One-Day side, has had a rotten last 18 months and the public is losing patience with ‘Mr Cricket’. Neither player has scored meaningfully in state cricket recently, and they are both having their positions squeezed by batsmen who have; Most notably stylish New South Wales left-hander Usman Khawaja and Callum Ferguson.
England will have a degree of expectation themselves, having been talked up much prior to jetting down under and enjoying a profitable warm-up schedule. They will be the most confidant Ashes squad for some time, so they must ensure they are not overawed by the occasion or pressurized into errors by the Aussie bowlers. But Andrew Strauss is a shrewd, respected captain and Andy Flower clearly has a very good idea of his favoured starting XI. In this respect, things bode well.
3. The game-breaker
Graeme Swann is no shrinking violet, and seemingly revels in the label of being England’s “go-to” wicket-taking bowler. The Nottinghamshire offie simply has a knack of taking big wickets at the right time, and has demonstrated that he does not need helpful pitches to do so (South Africa is hardly renowned for its dustbowl pitches yet he positively thrived there last winter). Australia tried to target Swann last year, with precious little success, and he will be expected to be a pivotal figure once again. Also capable of delivering valuable runs down the order, it seems fair to assume that, if Swann bowls well, England stand a hugely improved chance of winning. By contrast, Nathan Hauritz is a widely derided choice of spinner for the Aussies, who appears to possess neither the guile nor the appreciable turn Swann can deliver in spades. Young Leggy Steven Smith is a popular choice to replace him, but it is likely the selectors, traditionally a conservative bunch, will stick with Hauritz barring a disaster early on. Quite simply, for once spin is an area where England have the edge over their great rivals.
4. A settled attack
What is Australia’s first-choice bowling attack? Mitchell Johnson, for all his faults, appears a shoo-in, but who should join him? Doug Bollinger has been a regular, but is racing to be fit in time for the first test and, if he succeeds, will be understandably rusty; Ben Hilfenhaus swung the ball in England but is not always threatening; Peter Siddle is another one coming back from a succession of injuries. Without Brett Lee, there is a notable lack of fear in that attack. Then there’s the unknown quantities, such as beanpole Peter George (who toiled in India, but then who doesn’t, on debut?) and Ryan Harris, who has taken lots of wickets this season but is untried in test cricket. The Aussie selectors face a tough task getting a settled attack together and fitting them around a spinner.
By contrast, it seems fairly clear that England will go in with one spinner (Swann) plus, at least to begin with, Broad, Anderson and Finn. The concerns about their ability to swing the Kookaburra ball have been allayed by their form in the warm-ups, and the back-ups seem reasonable; Chris Tremlett is fast and will extract bounce; Shazhad is a dangerous reverse swing merchant and Bresnan takes wickets too. This has been the case throughout the last 6 months or so. England look to have a more settled, consistent bowling attack and, if anything, Broad and Anderson have improved since 2009.
5. Run-scorers
Going into the tour the main concern for England was the batting form of Messrs Cook, Pietersen and Collingwood. All valid points – Pietersen without a test century since March 2009, Collingwood enduring a wretched 2010, Cook looking nervous and tentative in his footwork. The omens from the warm-up are initially positive; All have made runs, Pietersen is still clearly not 100% at his best but, if he can raise his game against anyone, it is the Australians. Cook scored a much-needed hundred in the South Australia warm-up game; Collingwood has the mental toughness to see off any lapse in form and of course made a memorable double ton on his last Ashes tour. All three, while not at their best, could not be described as ‘horribly out of form’ as a result and Pietersen especially should prosper in Australian conditions.
Add to that the reliable accumulation of Strauss, Trott and Matt Prior (yes, I know, I can’t believe it either, but he’s done well recently) and you have a relatively positive outlook. Trott’s importance as a gritty competitor can’t be underestimated; The sort of player that, wearing the baggy green, would have infuriated England in the past.
On the Australian side, expect Shane Watson to prosper and Simon Katich to enthral us all with his gorgeous technique (yeah right – but he’s effective) and the returning Brad Haddin can usually provide some middle order muscle. Australia’s problem essentially is not so much form as a worrying tendency to give their wicket away; Ponting, Hussey, North and Clarke have all been guilty in the recent past of getting starts then getting out. This was exposed in 2009 by Broad et al first of all, and does not appear to have been rectified. Of course, on their day the likes of Ponting and Clarke can still punish bowling attacks, but recently those days have become further and further apart. Plus, England have their wildcard; Improvising, rubber-wristed little genius Eoin Morgan, who so irritated the Aussies in the one dayers last year.
Prediction
Australia are not to be written off (even though it would appear I’ve done just that) but England have enough in their arsenal to win, if they play to the level we know they can. 2-1 win for England and a memorable retention of the urn.
Saturday 13 November 2010
In praise of: Tim McIntosh
In the first Test of the current series New Zealand are playing in, Tim McIntosh became the first NZ opener to bag a pair in India. These things happen, often to the best of players. Graham Gooch bagged a king pair on debut for England, for instance, and went on to become that country's leading run scorer. This game isn't called Test cricket for no reason and a player can be judged not on such failings, but how they respond to it. How strong are they mentally? Can they put failure behind them, not dwell on it and come back? McIntosh can.
First, he saw his opening partner, Brendon McCullum, perish for just four and moments later Martin Guptill edged behind to MS Dhoni and set off back for the pavilion. What Guptill had failed to notice was the umpire's outstretched arm. He'd been caught off a no-ball and was recalled to the crease. Some five and half hours later, a clearly exhausted McIntosh was fourth man out having made a gritty hundred in New Zealand's 253/4.
That's how you respond to getting a pair, by growing a pair.
First, he saw his opening partner, Brendon McCullum, perish for just four and moments later Martin Guptill edged behind to MS Dhoni and set off back for the pavilion. What Guptill had failed to notice was the umpire's outstretched arm. He'd been caught off a no-ball and was recalled to the crease. Some five and half hours later, a clearly exhausted McIntosh was fourth man out having made a gritty hundred in New Zealand's 253/4.
That's how you respond to getting a pair, by growing a pair.
Monday 8 November 2010
The curious case of Zulqarnain Haider
The tribulations of the Pakistan side continue with yet another bizarre episode in the lead up to their ODI series decider with South Africa in the UAE (South Africa by plenty as it transpired). Wicketkeeper Zulqarnain Haider did a runner after posting a cryptic message on his Facebook page suggesting he hadn't gone along with a plot to lose game four of the series (Haider made 19 not out as Pakistan won to take the series to a decider) and was now being threatened. There are so many ways to deal with this story; sensitivity or top level investigative journalism for instance. We're going the other way. Set phasers to pun.
Pakistan's wicketkeeper is playing a game of Haider-n seek. He Saeed he was off for a paper, Anwar is he now? I Khan believe Ijaz buggered off. Is Haider a bad man? Has he Sindh or would such Shi'a speculation prove unhelpful? If anything, the opposite is true. He's the Kaneria in the mineshaft who has Riaz-ed the Alam in relation to match-fixing and is now on the run, Afridi of his life. Hanif Hafeez for his life, he can take solace. Amin, he's not the first Gul-lible young man to be approached by bookies. It's Saad Butt worse things happen and he Hasan old head on his young shoulders. Shoaib-oarded a flight to London and Nazir (now he's here? No? Never mind) he must con-Sultan co-operate with the cricketing authorities and they too must play their part and not Wasim back to Dubai from whence he came. The authorities Mushtaq this seriously. Junaid to crack down on it quickly. It's Pervez-ive.
Nawaz he's here, if Fahad my way I'd ensure he was protected from those trying to Qasim harm, Hakim to pieces with Razas and Kaleem, Sohail-p me god. What more can a Mandoo?
I'm glad he flew. It would have cost a fortune to get a Kabir.
That Swat we reckon anyway. Amir all week.
I'm done.
Pakistan's wicketkeeper is playing a game of Haider-n seek. He Saeed he was off for a paper, Anwar is he now? I Khan believe Ijaz buggered off. Is Haider a bad man? Has he Sindh or would such Shi'a speculation prove unhelpful? If anything, the opposite is true. He's the Kaneria in the mineshaft who has Riaz-ed the Alam in relation to match-fixing and is now on the run, Afridi of his life. Hanif Hafeez for his life, he can take solace. Amin, he's not the first Gul-lible young man to be approached by bookies. It's Saad Butt worse things happen and he Hasan old head on his young shoulders. Shoaib-oarded a flight to London and Nazir (now he's here? No? Never mind) he must con-Sultan co-operate with the cricketing authorities and they too must play their part and not Wasim back to Dubai from whence he came. The authorities Mushtaq this seriously. Junaid to crack down on it quickly. It's Pervez-ive.
Nawaz he's here, if Fahad my way I'd ensure he was protected from those trying to Qasim harm, Hakim to pieces with Razas and Kaleem, Sohail-p me god. What more can a Mandoo?
I'm glad he flew. It would have cost a fortune to get a Kabir.
That Swat we reckon anyway. Amir all week.
I'm done.
Wednesday 3 November 2010
McGrath, Glenn
Former Australian seamer who, even if Australia fielded a side of small children in an Ashes series with celery sticks for bats would predict a 5-0 Australia win.
Tuesday 2 November 2010
de Villiers, AB
Ridiculously talented South African. Hits a prodigiously long cricket ball, plays a swivel-pull almost as sweetly as Alec Stewart and averages over 100 in ODIs when keeping wicket. When not entrusted with the gloves, is one of the best fielders you could wish to see.
Copybook well and truly blotted with a bizarre dancey type music album in Afrikaans and is equally capable of playing an archetypal South African grinding innings the type of which Gary Kirsten and nobody else used to take pleasure in.
Copybook well and truly blotted with a bizarre dancey type music album in Afrikaans and is equally capable of playing an archetypal South African grinding innings the type of which Gary Kirsten and nobody else used to take pleasure in.
Sunday 10 October 2010
Sighter
The act of letting a ball or two go by in order to assess how the pitch is playing. Not something Virender Sehwag has ever been known to do.
Sunday 26 September 2010
Netherlands, The
International cricket team made up of South Africans, Australians, Namibians and, on the odd occasion, Dutchmen.
Saturday 25 September 2010
Character
Term applied to anyone involved in the game who says things beyond the usual banalities or appears to enjoy a drink. See also Tufnell, Phil; Cork, Dominic.
Gower, David
ten Doeschate, Ryan
Essex all-rounder so proud of his South African roots that he plays his international cricket for the Netherlands.
One better than Ryan nine Doeschate.
One better than Ryan nine Doeschate.
Benaud, Richie
Former Australian captain and leg-spin bowler turned pundit of the highest calibre. With playing and commentary commitments, he didn't see a winter from 1952 until his retirement in 2005.
Richards, Sir Vivian
West Indian batsman of prodigious power and ability. Still has the fastest ever Test century, 56 balls against England at St Johns on his home island of Antigua, an island on which he will never be able to buy a drink.
XXXX
Australian canned piss. Drink of choice for David Boon who once drank 51 of them on a flight to England, a feat largely considered a world record.
Eden Gardens
Biggest cricket ground in India. Located in Kolkata. Not to be confused with Eden Park. Scene to seat throwing at the 1999 World Cup causing the semi final to be abandoned when it became clear India were going to lose.
McLean Park
Test ground in Napier, New Zealand. Looks more like a rugby ground than a cricket ground and has very short square boundaries.
Basin Reserve
1. Sign used by nervous batsmen requiring a pre-match plop.
2. Test ground in Wellington, New Zealand. Very basic, most accomodation is of a "hill" type nature. Nightmare when raining, which it does a lot of in Wellington.
2. Test ground in Wellington, New Zealand. Very basic, most accomodation is of a "hill" type nature. Nightmare when raining, which it does a lot of in Wellington.
Sir Vivian Richard Cricket Grounds
Venue on the island of Antigua built for the 2007 World Cup, named for it's most famous son. Has a beach for an outfield.
Lancaster Park
Test venue in Christchurch, New Zealand. Now known as AMI Stadium due to sponsorship reasons. Hosts rugby union in the winter.
Eden Park
Not to be confused with Eden Gardens, an odd shaped test venue in Auckland, New Zealand which also hosts rugby union in the winter.
Bellerive Oval
Test Ground located in Hobart, Tasmania. Used by Australia to play against second rate teams like Sri Lanka and Pakistan.
Adelaide Oval
WACA, The
Test venue in Perth, Australia. Home of the Western Australia Cricket Association. Famous for the Fremantle Doctor and known as one as the quickest wickets in the world and a lovely old style scoreboard.
Patel, Deepak
New Zealand off-spinner. Caused a revolution when he opened the bowling in a 1992 World Cup match.
Gabba, The
Local name for the Brisbane Cricket Ground which is located in the unpronounceable district of Woolloongabba.
Oval, The
South London Test venue with a changeable name depending on sponsors. Staged the first and numerous other FA Cup finals when known as the Kennington Oval and widely regarded as a batter's paradise.
Trent Bridge
Test venue in Nottingham, newly redeveloped. Big boundaries, bouncy track, too small for Jonathan Bairstow.
Edgbaston
Test venue in Birmingham. Under redevelopment at time of writing. Scene of the second Ashes Test of 2005, one of the greatest games of cricket ever.
Old Trafford
Test venue, prone to rain which hasn't helped with Lancashire's quest to win the County Championship. Due for long overdue redevelopment, including switching the square round by 90 degrees in order to avoid the sun stopping play.
Bird, Harold
Umpire, affectionately known as Dickie. Would head for the sheds at the mere suggestion of rain. Another pissed off Yorkshireman who ended up at Leicestershire in his playing days. See Illingworth, Raymond.
Botham, Ian
Ball
Traditionally red, hurts like hell when they make contact to exposed parts at great velocity. Also now seen in White and Pink. Known to children as a Corky, this due to the core of the ball being made from cork.
Sledging
The art of putting an opponent off their game with the power of speech. See Andrew Flintoff to Tino Best.
Attapattu, Marvan
Sri Lankan bastman. Only man worse than Inzamam-ul-Haq at running. Has the most One Day International run out dismissals.
Inzamam-ul-Haq
Fat Pakistani, useless at quick singles. Second in all time list of One Day International run out dismissals behind Marvan Atapattu.
Pundit
Person who gets to talk shite about the game on the telly and radio. Seemingly contractually obliged not to have an opinion. See Boycott, Geoffrey.
Olonga, Henry
Zambia-born Zimbabwean pace bowler. Famous for the "black armband controversy" alongside Andy Flower in the 2003 World Cup. Now living in Australia attempting to be a musician, sometime pundit.
Flower, Andrew
Zimbabwean. One of the few genuinely world class players that country has produced. Test average of over 50. Famous for the "black armband controversy" alongside Henry Olonga in the 2003 World Cup and therefore ill-advised to return to his homeland. Now Technical Director of England, a job seemingly only Zimbabweans are cut out for (see also Fletcher, Duncan). Considered some sort of god round Chelmsford way.
Hair, Darrell
Australian umpire. Nemesis of Muttiah Muralitharan, Pakistan and pretty much the whole sub-continent, leading to claims that he may have a problem with Asian types.
Vaughan, Michael
Lancastrian who played for Yorkshire. Former England captain, now a pundit on the radio and promoter of Advanced Hair Studios. Blotted his copybook with a misguided appearance on Strictly Come Dancing.
Muralitharan, Muttiah
Spin genius from Sri Lanka. 800 Test wickets tells it's own story despite being labelled a chucker by Darrell Hair.
Warne, Shane
Australian swordsman who was the leading Test wicket taker until taken over by Muttiah Muralitharan. Bit short on top, needed the help of Advanced Hair Studios.
Bollinger, Douglas
Australian. Left arm quick with a full head of hair (see also Advanced Hair Studios)
Gooch, Graham
Opening batsman, England's highest test run scorer to date despite copping a 3 year ban for touring South Africa in 1982 during that country's international pariah status. Turned out for Essex in domestic cricket. Used to be bald, now isn't (see also Advanced Hair Studios)
Close, Brian
Yorkshireman. Youngest ever England Test cricket player in 1949. Pissed off by the Yorkshire committee in 1970 after 21 years service he moved to Somerset where he played a role in the development of Ian Botham. Also known for various run ins with Geoffrey Boycott.
Ridiculously committed fielder who relished pain. Got knocked flat on a Test recall against the West Indies. Viv Richards, a Somerset team-mate at the time, approached him to help him up saying "Are you all right skipper?". "Fuck off", said Close.
Legend.
Ridiculously committed fielder who relished pain. Got knocked flat on a Test recall against the West Indies. Viv Richards, a Somerset team-mate at the time, approached him to help him up saying "Are you all right skipper?". "Fuck off", said Close.
Legend.
Illingworth, Raymond
Sunday 19 September 2010
Advanced Hair Studios
Favoured hair-weave merchants of the professional cricketer (see Gooch, Graham; Warne, Shane; Bollinger, Doug).
The power of the hair weave is immense. Prior to his treatment, Jacques Kallis hadn't made a Test double hundred. After it, he made an unbeaten 201 against India. Coincidence? Impossible.
The power of the hair weave is immense. Prior to his treatment, Jacques Kallis hadn't made a Test double hundred. After it, he made an unbeaten 201 against India. Coincidence? Impossible.
Yorkshire
Biggest and most successful county in English cricket. Previously famous for only selecting players from the county despite their most successful captain, Lord Hawke, coming from Lincolnshire. That rule is now out of the window and several outsiders have been allowed in. Spent the 1970s, 80s and most of the 90s in a trophy-less wilderness. Spent much of the 90s producing more Test players for Australia than they did for England. Have a history of pissing off their better players and see them go on to great success with other counties (see Close, Brian; Illingworth, Raymond).
Zimbabwe
Basket case of a nation. As a cricketing nation, looked set to make an impact until the political upheaval of the late nineties kind of ruined everything. Whatever happens in the future, the black armband protest during the 2003 World Cup by Andy Flower and Henry Olonga, commemorating the death of democracy in the country, will always be a humbling memory.
Pinch-hitting
Technique in limited overs cricket of sending in someone with a nine-pound, long-handled bat to give it some welly in the early overs. Largely credited to Sri Lanka's 1996 World Cup winning team and eventually adopted by England a mere 14 years later.
Headingley
Principle ground of Yorkshire CCC. To denizens of the county, this is the home of cricket, not Lord's. Home of the Western Terrace, a notorious den of iniquity, policed by the completely-lacking-in-senses-of-humour Green Team stewards.
Speed gun
Device for measuring the speed of the ball as it's released from the bowler's hand. Suspiciously doctored in South Africa for the 2003 World Cup where Shoaib Akhtar apparently bowled a 100mph delivery to Nick Knight. Asked how it felt to face the first 100mph ball, Knight said "about 75".
Vaas, Chaminda
Sri Lankan left-armer, owner of a world record number of initials. WPUJC. Looks like something the Enigma machine couldn't crack.
Morgan, Eoin
Saturday 18 September 2010
In praise of: Steven Rhodes
A lot has been made in the cricket media recently about Nottinghamshire’s title triumph. And rightly so; It was a breathtaking climax to the season, full of twists and turns and Notts themselves are a very good side, with exciting players like Alex Hales, Samit Patel (the Darren Lehman fitness regime has worked, clearly) and the evergreen Andre Adams. By my reckoning, though, even more credit should be thrust in the direction of Steven Rhodes and Worcestershire, who on the final day pulled off an unlikely four-wicket win over Sussex thereby sealing promotion to the first division.
Worcestershire are not a rich county. They operate on a small budget and, last winter, Director of Cricket Rhodes was for many pundits, staring at an impossible task. His strike bowler, Kabir Ali, had got the move to Hampshire he had long been agitating for, and Simon Jones soon followed; Stalwart Graeme Hick had retired; reliable all-rounder Gareth Batty had returned to Surrey and the same county had also offered the dynamic wicket keeper Steven Davies a bundle to follow suit. Very few players were recruited in their place, and they were tipped by many to finish in the lower reaches of Division 2.
What has happened is therefore a true cricketing success story – particularly when you consider that Vikram Solanki handed over the captaincy to Daryl Mitchell mid-season. Batsmen Alexei Kervezee and Moeen Ali, young, raw but talented, both scored valuable runs alongside Mitchell and some impressive stuff from Gareth Andrew. In Ben Cox, they have an heir to Davies; A promising glovesman who can also bat, and still so young at just 18. Shakib Al Hasan’s arrival in late July also made a difference – his seven wicket haul in the second innings at Middlesex two weeks ago won them the game and brought momentum into the final few furlongs of this long County slog. When more established, richer clubs such as Surrey, Middlesex and Kent struggle and find themselves in Division 2, it shows just what an incredible job, under tight constraints, Rhodes has done – motivating a small, inexperienced squad into performing far higher than the mere sum of its parts. Now the question remains, can they keep hold of some of these young stars to see them try and stay in the top division?
Worcestershire are not a rich county. They operate on a small budget and, last winter, Director of Cricket Rhodes was for many pundits, staring at an impossible task. His strike bowler, Kabir Ali, had got the move to Hampshire he had long been agitating for, and Simon Jones soon followed; Stalwart Graeme Hick had retired; reliable all-rounder Gareth Batty had returned to Surrey and the same county had also offered the dynamic wicket keeper Steven Davies a bundle to follow suit. Very few players were recruited in their place, and they were tipped by many to finish in the lower reaches of Division 2.
What has happened is therefore a true cricketing success story – particularly when you consider that Vikram Solanki handed over the captaincy to Daryl Mitchell mid-season. Batsmen Alexei Kervezee and Moeen Ali, young, raw but talented, both scored valuable runs alongside Mitchell and some impressive stuff from Gareth Andrew. In Ben Cox, they have an heir to Davies; A promising glovesman who can also bat, and still so young at just 18. Shakib Al Hasan’s arrival in late July also made a difference – his seven wicket haul in the second innings at Middlesex two weeks ago won them the game and brought momentum into the final few furlongs of this long County slog. When more established, richer clubs such as Surrey, Middlesex and Kent struggle and find themselves in Division 2, it shows just what an incredible job, under tight constraints, Rhodes has done – motivating a small, inexperienced squad into performing far higher than the mere sum of its parts. Now the question remains, can they keep hold of some of these young stars to see them try and stay in the top division?
Friday 17 September 2010
Thursday 16 September 2010
Flintoff quits
News today that following his latest in a long line of knee operations, Andrew Flintoff has retired from all cricket. It's hardly a surprise that it's happened - if anything, the surprise is that it's taken this long to finally make the call. He now looks set for a media career where his carefully honed jack-the-lad image will no doubt work for him.
With all the drunken hoonery at Trafalgar Square and the pedalo incident, there's reason for forgetting there was a pretty good cricketer underneath it all. Like most of his generation of England player, the high-water mark of his career was the 2005 Ashes. At this point, everyone thought the world was his for the taking. However, injuries were mounting and a disastrous spell in charge of England, losing the Ashes 5-0, didn't do him any favours. But to over-analyse his career would be to miss the point. He emptied bars; people wanted to watch him. Grounds around the world weren't big enough if he connected and everyone loves a 90+ mph bowler, especially one as whole-hearted as him. The highlights reel has plenty of candidate footage, but we'll leave you with this, perhaps his finest hour:
With all the drunken hoonery at Trafalgar Square and the pedalo incident, there's reason for forgetting there was a pretty good cricketer underneath it all. Like most of his generation of England player, the high-water mark of his career was the 2005 Ashes. At this point, everyone thought the world was his for the taking. However, injuries were mounting and a disastrous spell in charge of England, losing the Ashes 5-0, didn't do him any favours. But to over-analyse his career would be to miss the point. He emptied bars; people wanted to watch him. Grounds around the world weren't big enough if he connected and everyone loves a 90+ mph bowler, especially one as whole-hearted as him. The highlights reel has plenty of candidate footage, but we'll leave you with this, perhaps his finest hour:
Mascarenhas, Dimitri
Dim ex-England all-rounder who decided it would be a good idea to slag off the Chairman of Selectors via the medium of his recently activated Twitter account. Whatever happened to the bitter cigarette on the balcony of the dressing room, with a bottle of Stella in your other hand? Ahh for the good old days. I'm sure Carbs would have humoured you Dimi.
Quick single
The act of taking one run in risky circumstances. Not something Chris Gayle or Inzamam-ul-Haq have ever been known to do. If called through for a quick single by Owais Shah, assume he's wrong and say 'NO', otherwise you will be run out.
Tufnell, Phil
Ex-England left-arm twirler and, without fail, always listed as one of the game's "characters". Plagued by confidence problems and off-field issues during his playing days, Tufnell is one of a select group of ex-cricketers who now makes a living as a professional clown, oscillating between the Test Match Special commentary box and casting sessions for Series 8 of Strictly Come Hell's Kitchen Now Get Me Out Of Here. Or something.
Nicknamed 'The Cat', because he throws up if he's had too much grass.
Nicknamed 'The Cat', because he throws up if he's had too much grass.
Symonds, Andrew
1. Aboriginal Michael Bevan impersonator - doesn't do a very good job. Has been robbing county and IPL franchises of large sums of money for a good few years now.
2. Euphemism for pulling a sicky - e.g. sacking off the office team building day to go trout fishing - "Where's Geoff?" "Oh he's not coming - he's pulled a Symonds"
2. Euphemism for pulling a sicky - e.g. sacking off the office team building day to go trout fishing - "Where's Geoff?" "Oh he's not coming - he's pulled a Symonds"
Wednesday 15 September 2010
Lancashire
County.
Finally won the County Championship outright in 2011 after 77 years between drinks.
Finally won the County Championship outright in 2011 after 77 years between drinks.
Tuesday 14 September 2010
New Zealand
1. International team made up almost exclusively of all-rounders who like a bit of long-handle and bowl military medium dobbers (see also Oram, Jacob and Styris, Scott). Consistent over-achievers thanks to being more than the sum of their parts and occasionally unearthing genuine class like Sir Richard Hadlee.
2. Not Australia
2. Not Australia
Benn, Sulieman
6'8" tall West Indian purveyor of slow left-arm bowling. An incongruous sight for anyone over the age of 30 who still wakes at night, shivering at the thought of that battery of 6'8" fast bowlers who pegged it down, jaw height, at over 95mph.
West Indies
1. International team which used to be made up of a fearsome battery of pace bowlers (see also Roberts, Andy; Garner, Joel; Holding, Michael; Marshall, Malcolm; Walsh, Courtney and Ambrose, Curtly), a masochistic wicketkeeper (see also Dujon, Jeffrey) and some hitters up the top order who could flay any attack to all corners of the ground (see also Greenidge, Gordon; Richards, Sir Vivian; Lloyd, Clive and Hooper, Carl). The bowlers seemed to take pleasure in outdoing each other in causing physical harm to opposition bastmen, the batsmen in causing harm to the averages of opposition bowlers and unwary spectators. Quite simply the most thrilling side there's ever been in the game for a period which ran from the early 1970s through to the mid-90s.
2. Current international team made up of fielders with holes in their hands, batsmen with the attention span of a.... oh, nice pair of shoes you're wearing, dear reader. Where was I? Oh yes, interspersed with fleeting moments of genius (Chris Gayle launching the ball into orbit, for example), they are generally the most lackadaisical set of players to take the field. Hit a new nadir against England when coach John Dyson misread a Duckworth/Lewis sheet and ordered his players to draw the game.
2. Current international team made up of fielders with holes in their hands, batsmen with the attention span of a.... oh, nice pair of shoes you're wearing, dear reader. Where was I? Oh yes, interspersed with fleeting moments of genius (Chris Gayle launching the ball into orbit, for example), they are generally the most lackadaisical set of players to take the field. Hit a new nadir against England when coach John Dyson misread a Duckworth/Lewis sheet and ordered his players to draw the game.
Monday 13 September 2010
Gayle, Chris
Bafflingly relaxed West Indian opener and captain, renowned for crunching top-order hitting and his famously laid-back manner (Chris does not really do quick singles, or foot movement). If nothing else, he hit Brett Lee out of the Oval. Nuff said.
Slow Left-arm
Frequently innocuous brand of spin-bowling. Inexplicably, Kryptonite for Kevin Pietersen.
Pudding
1. A pitch of poor quality, or one which produces unexciting matches. Frequently encountered at Cardiff, Bristol or Derby.
2. What Ian Austin has for his main course.
2. What Ian Austin has for his main course.
Nicholas, Mark
Impossibly middle-class commentator and former Hampshire captain. Prone to outrageous hyperbole, for example "Oh, I say, go, you good thing! I must say, that is a marvellous shot, and what we are seeing here is the birth of a sporting icon! In fact, crumbs, I've just wet myself that was so good!"
Kolpak Ruling
Are you a middling to fair 31-year-old South African, a purveyor of agreeable military medium pace and occasional middle order long handle? Do you have Lance Kluesener in your mobile phonebook? Does your best friend have the surname Du Preez? Congratulations, you are now eligible for English county cricket and, potentially, a national team call-up.
Flintoff, Andrew
Stumpy, Willow and
Shortlived Sky/ECB mascot concept which was quietly dropped following riots and looting in seventeen major cities.
Trafalgar Square
Location of an epoch-defining moment in cricket history - Andrew Flintoff being paraded as a national hero despite clearly being blind drunk.
South Africa
Feeder club for the England National Cricket Team. Appears to have recently decided to form some sort of breakaway country, governed by a large man with thirty seven wives. Specialises in wicket-keeper/batsmen who like to send the ball into orbit (see de Villiers, AB, Kieswetter, Craig and Prior, Matt).
Greig, Tony
Insufferable South African/English/Australian commentator whose inability to understand the laws of the game (despite rising to the level of Test match captain during his playing days) leads to several dozen murder sprees a year.
Nel, Andre
Mentally ill South African fast bowler. Hears voices in his head leading to much confrontation on the pitch, particularly when strict disciplinarian Bavarian schoolteacher 'Gunther' is speaking.
Bucknor, Steve
Indian Premier League
Circus-like twenty-over tournament, remiscent of an advertising executive's wet dream. Bowlers are seen in the IPL as something of an unneccesary distraction, as is fielding; chubby slog merchant Yuvraj Singh has caused much mirth in cricketing circles by averaging about 7 in recent tournaments, presumably to take the media attention away from Lalit Modi's complete dodgy geezer-ness.
The IPL is also notorious for turning once respected commentators - and Laxman Sivaramakrishnan - into corporate shills by being forced to include all sponsors names at every juncture. And there are a lot. There are no sixes in IPL cricket; they're DLF Maximums. It's not a match turning passage of play; it's a Citi moment of success. Rumour has it that a commentator once referred to a six as a six. He has never been seen since.
The IPL is also notorious for turning once respected commentators - and Laxman Sivaramakrishnan - into corporate shills by being forced to include all sponsors names at every juncture. And there are a lot. There are no sixes in IPL cricket; they're DLF Maximums. It's not a match turning passage of play; it's a Citi moment of success. Rumour has it that a commentator once referred to a six as a six. He has never been seen since.
Katich, Simon
An elaborate joke played on the English and other cricketing purists, renowned for having a technique so frighteningly ugly small children are told not to look directly at it. No record of him exists before 1995 - it has long been suspected he is actually an Adelaide furniture salesman on an extended sabbatical.
Sunday 12 September 2010
Out
What you are after you've been in. The umpire will decide if you are out and a raised index finger tells you the game is up. Alternatively, just stand there and start a debate with your batting partner to decide if you think the umpire was right.
There are ten ways of getting out:
Some batsmen will walk if they know they're out before the umpire gives them. Some do not. Some will walk part way, catch a replay on the big screen or sight of the coach waving at them, turn round and demand a review under the UDRS. Only the latter are to be vilified.
There are ten ways of getting out:
Some batsmen will walk if they know they're out before the umpire gives them. Some do not. Some will walk part way, catch a replay on the big screen or sight of the coach waving at them, turn round and demand a review under the UDRS. Only the latter are to be vilified.
Run out
One of the ten ways of getting out. You are run out if you have not made your ground before the wickets are broken. There have been some great exponents of the run out down the years, most notably Inzamam-ul-Haq, Owais Shah and Geoffrey Boycott.
France
Nation to which cricket remains a mystery, despite being runners-up in the 1900 Olympic cricket competition. There is French cricket, which seems entirely based around the lbw rule.
Caught
One of the ten ways of getting out. Unlikely to happen if playing against Pakistan or the West Indies.
Duckworth/Lewis
Universally and unfairly maligned system for calculating targets for rain affected limited overs matches. It's an ingenious method that's actually quite simple, if a little involved. Fortunately, it's all computerised, so nobody has to worry about the machinations as sheets are printed off telling everyone what the par score is at any given time. These sheets are, however, printed in such a way as to confuse South Africans and West Indians.
Doesn't work for T20 matches.
Doesn't work for T20 matches.
Edge
1. Outside parts of a bat. Well, a normal bat, that is. Paul Collingwood's bat is believed to have a middle made out of the edges of other bats.
2. The act of getting a small part of the bat onto the ball. Edges end up in the hands of the slips when playing Australia or through the keeper's gloves and away for four if you're playing Pakistan.
2. The act of getting a small part of the bat onto the ball. Edges end up in the hands of the slips when playing Australia or through the keeper's gloves and away for four if you're playing Pakistan.
Social networking website where Australians announce the squad before it's made official and England players swear at coaches and selectors.
Australian
Brash variety of cricketer often identifiable by bleach-blonde hair. If you're not sure it's an Australian, try asking the cricketer a question. If the answer begins "Aw, look..." then it's an Australian.
England
1. Sporadically successful mens cricket team comprised of a variety of nationalities (it used to be Sub-continentals, West Indians, New Zealanders and Australians, now it's Irish and South Africans). Mainly dreadful. Available for sale to anyone willing to park a helicopter on the square at Lord's.
2. Extremely successful womens cricket team made up of English women. Don't expect to hear much about that though.
2. Extremely successful womens cricket team made up of English women. Don't expect to hear much about that though.
No-ball
A delivery which is deemed illegitimate. The penalty is one run to the batting side plus an extra delivery.
There are a number of reasons for an umpire to call a no-ball.
Front foot (overstepping). This is the common one. Some part of the bowler's front foot must be behind - not on, behind - the line. In limited overs cricket, this also incurs a free hit where the batsman can not be out (unless run out).
Back foot. The bowler's back foot must not intersect the return crease.
Waist-high beamer. A delivery which does not pitch and is above waist height on the batsman.
Intimidatory bowling. If the umpire feels the bowling is too aggressive, such as the infamous Bodyline series or the West Indians in the 1980s. Too much short-pitched bowling aimed at the body is what generally falls under this bracket.
No-balls can also be bowled to order and then revealed in a tawdry series of articles in a low-quality British tabloid newspaper.
There are a number of reasons for an umpire to call a no-ball.
Front foot (overstepping). This is the common one. Some part of the bowler's front foot must be behind - not on, behind - the line. In limited overs cricket, this also incurs a free hit where the batsman can not be out (unless run out).
Back foot. The bowler's back foot must not intersect the return crease.
Waist-high beamer. A delivery which does not pitch and is above waist height on the batsman.
Intimidatory bowling. If the umpire feels the bowling is too aggressive, such as the infamous Bodyline series or the West Indians in the 1980s. Too much short-pitched bowling aimed at the body is what generally falls under this bracket.
No-balls can also be bowled to order and then revealed in a tawdry series of articles in a low-quality British tabloid newspaper.
Umpire
The on-field, sometimes off-field, arbiter of the laws of the game.
You used to know where you stood with umpires. Fielding side appeal, umpire agrees or disagrees, the game continues. Now, their initial decision is merely a starting point for a wider debate thanks to the umpire decision review system (UDRS) and a third umpire in front of a TV somewhere in the pavilion. They used to wear white coats which made them look like old-timey butchers. It's a variety of outerwear in a range of colours these days, perhaps to try and attract kids to the profession by making them look a bit more 'tuff'.
Other duties of umpires include:
Still a better job than being a football referee.
You used to know where you stood with umpires. Fielding side appeal, umpire agrees or disagrees, the game continues. Now, their initial decision is merely a starting point for a wider debate thanks to the umpire decision review system (UDRS) and a third umpire in front of a TV somewhere in the pavilion. They used to wear white coats which made them look like old-timey butchers. It's a variety of outerwear in a range of colours these days, perhaps to try and attract kids to the profession by making them look a bit more 'tuff'.
Other duties of umpires include:
- Holding onto the bowler's hat, jumper, shades etc
- Judging no-balls, wides and intimidatory bowling
- Radioing their mate in the stands every time there's a shy at the stumps
- Bollocking security staff in hi-vis jackets for sitting in front of the sight screen
- Taking players off for bad light at seemingly arbitrary points in time
- No-balling Sri Lankans with dodgy actions (see Hair, Darrell)
Still a better job than being a football referee.
Dobbers
Peculiar type of bowling as specialised by, but not exclusive to, Englishmen of certain dimensions. Slow, straight and infuriatingly hard to hit off the square.
Yardy, Michael
Glad to have lost
Your current correspondent, dear reader, is a Yorkshireman; defiantly, emphatically so. As such, yesterday's loss to Warwickshire in the CB40 semi-final hurt, but on reflection, it's not that big a deal and the reason for that is, as ever, the ECB.
Not content with bloating the T20 calendar out to an eye-watering 150+ games, actively encouraging the recruitment of more overseas players than most counties can afford, attempting to bankrupt counties with international grounds with the crazy bidding system for Tests and ODIs, they're also trying to alienate the fans. The CB40 final is next week, not giving fans much time to arrange travel, but once they start to look for options they'll find them rapidly running out. You see, the ECB in their wisdom have decided that the final will start at 3pm and be played under lights. Even taking aside the lunacy of playing at night deep into September where the game is likely to be decided at the toss, it's not going to be finishing while around 9.30pm, long after the last train home has departed. The cheapest ticket for the game is £30 to which must be added travel, sustenance - including, let's face it, several beers - and either a hotel for the night or short-changing yourself out of an hour or more of cricket.
As it is, Yorkshire didn't post enough runs and Warwickshire picked them off with a bit in hand. Warwickshire fans might just about be able to get back to Birmingham, but Somerset - who walloped Essex in the other semi - face the exact same problem that Yorkshire would have done. I'd have considered going had it been, say, a noon start. This was a good semi to lose.
Not content with bloating the T20 calendar out to an eye-watering 150+ games, actively encouraging the recruitment of more overseas players than most counties can afford, attempting to bankrupt counties with international grounds with the crazy bidding system for Tests and ODIs, they're also trying to alienate the fans. The CB40 final is next week, not giving fans much time to arrange travel, but once they start to look for options they'll find them rapidly running out. You see, the ECB in their wisdom have decided that the final will start at 3pm and be played under lights. Even taking aside the lunacy of playing at night deep into September where the game is likely to be decided at the toss, it's not going to be finishing while around 9.30pm, long after the last train home has departed. The cheapest ticket for the game is £30 to which must be added travel, sustenance - including, let's face it, several beers - and either a hotel for the night or short-changing yourself out of an hour or more of cricket.
As it is, Yorkshire didn't post enough runs and Warwickshire picked them off with a bit in hand. Warwickshire fans might just about be able to get back to Birmingham, but Somerset - who walloped Essex in the other semi - face the exact same problem that Yorkshire would have done. I'd have considered going had it been, say, a noon start. This was a good semi to lose.
Thursday 2 September 2010
Intergalactic Brian Jerling
Whilst driving along in the sunshine, Beastie Boys on the CD player, I suddenly had a revelation as to what they were saying. Listen and tell me that the hook isn't "Intergalactic Brian Jerling. Brian Jerling, intergalactic".
They obviously have a higher opinion of the idiosyncratic South African umpire.
Intergalactic indeed:
They obviously have a higher opinion of the idiosyncratic South African umpire.
Intergalactic indeed:
Thursday 15 July 2010
Played Skipper
The short Test series between Australia and the nominal home side, Pakistan, has started quite brightly. From the moment when Ricky Ponting stuck the elbow into the over-celebrating Mohammed Aamer, it was obvious this was going to be a feisty one.
And so it's proved so far. The Pakistanis bowled really well to dismiss Australia for 253, Mike Hussey - inevitably - marshalling the tail in making an unbeaten 53 after Australia were rocking on 208/7 and 222/9. As my old man drummed into me from a young age, never judge a pitch until both sides have used it. Where the Pakistan seamers impressed, so did Australia's pace battery. Shane Watson and Ben Hilfenhaus had reduced them to 83/5 when Shahid Afridi walked to the crease. The captain of the side, you'd think he'd do the job that was required: build a partnership with Salman Butt, who was well in having opened up, and sticking around long enough with the tail in order to get as close as possible to Australia's total.
Perhaps it's indicative of the lack of Test match cricket that Pakistan have had recently or perhaps it's just that Afridi will never change, whether he's the captain or down amongst the infantry. Either way, blasting Watson for 20-odd in one over and eventually falling - slogging, as if that should come as a surprise - to Watson for 31 off 15 deliveries.
What Pakistan needed was a captain's knock. This wasn't a captain's knock, but it was this captain's.
And so it's proved so far. The Pakistanis bowled really well to dismiss Australia for 253, Mike Hussey - inevitably - marshalling the tail in making an unbeaten 53 after Australia were rocking on 208/7 and 222/9. As my old man drummed into me from a young age, never judge a pitch until both sides have used it. Where the Pakistan seamers impressed, so did Australia's pace battery. Shane Watson and Ben Hilfenhaus had reduced them to 83/5 when Shahid Afridi walked to the crease. The captain of the side, you'd think he'd do the job that was required: build a partnership with Salman Butt, who was well in having opened up, and sticking around long enough with the tail in order to get as close as possible to Australia's total.
Perhaps it's indicative of the lack of Test match cricket that Pakistan have had recently or perhaps it's just that Afridi will never change, whether he's the captain or down amongst the infantry. Either way, blasting Watson for 20-odd in one over and eventually falling - slogging, as if that should come as a surprise - to Watson for 31 off 15 deliveries.
What Pakistan needed was a captain's knock. This wasn't a captain's knock, but it was this captain's.
Wednesday 9 June 2010
Identity crisis
Early days in the domestic season, but Essex all-rounder Ryan ten Doeschate has emerged as an early contender for MVP award. He has a lot in common with much of the England limited overs side insofar as he was born in South Africa and is quite good in the limited overs formats. That has led to understandable suggestions that ten Doeschate could be next in line. Not so, says the Essex tyro in an interview with BBC Sport. "There's nothing English about me", he said, which is fair enough. However, he then goes on to add "I'm South African through and through".
Short memory, then, about his 26 ODIs and 9 T20 internationals for the Netherlands.
Short memory, then, about his 26 ODIs and 9 T20 internationals for the Netherlands.
Saturday 5 June 2010
The Pietersen perplexity
In the latest Test match, against Bangladesh at Old Trafford, Kevin Pietersen again fell to what is fast developing as his nemesis, Shakib Al Hasan. Well set in the 60s, Shakib floated one up and Pietersen ran past, stumped while still a thrupenny bus ride up the wicket. If it was just Shakib, then it might not be so bad, but it's every left arm spinner that seems to have Pietersen in a tizzy. While there may be a technical explanation for his failings in this regard - I'm no coach and was similarly baffled by all left-arm bowlers during a less than glorious career - the more worrying aspect is his complete failure to apportion some blame on himself.
This all started in the 2009 Ashes series. At Cardiff, Pietersen attempted a ridiculous sweep off Nathan Hauritz which ballooned up, took the peak of his helmet and gave the close fielder an easy catch. The ball was three feet outside off. One run was about the best outcome such a high risk shot could have achieved, but it was brushed off as being "the way I play". So it is with his latest dismissal. There's a complete failure to take responsibility. On a relatively benign Manchester wicket, there was a big hundred in the offing. Pietersen is clearly the best batter England have and he could easily be the best - or at least close to - in the world if he cuts this nonsense out. Pre-meditated shots are fine, but if it suddenly becomes too risky, there must be a plan B. All the best have this in their locker. A Ricky Ponting may have lined up that shot against Hauritz, but would have pulled out when he saw how wide it was. A Sachin Tendulkar may have given Shakib the charge, but would have dropped the bat on it or stuck out a pad rather than go through with a wild hoik when it clearly wasn't there to be hit.
It's often said that a side's best batter plays at three. Pietersen has been steadfast in his refusal to go one up the order in the long form of the game. Perhaps this is as close as we'll ever get to an admission that he's still not mature enough to accept that responsibility.
This all started in the 2009 Ashes series. At Cardiff, Pietersen attempted a ridiculous sweep off Nathan Hauritz which ballooned up, took the peak of his helmet and gave the close fielder an easy catch. The ball was three feet outside off. One run was about the best outcome such a high risk shot could have achieved, but it was brushed off as being "the way I play". So it is with his latest dismissal. There's a complete failure to take responsibility. On a relatively benign Manchester wicket, there was a big hundred in the offing. Pietersen is clearly the best batter England have and he could easily be the best - or at least close to - in the world if he cuts this nonsense out. Pre-meditated shots are fine, but if it suddenly becomes too risky, there must be a plan B. All the best have this in their locker. A Ricky Ponting may have lined up that shot against Hauritz, but would have pulled out when he saw how wide it was. A Sachin Tendulkar may have given Shakib the charge, but would have dropped the bat on it or stuck out a pad rather than go through with a wild hoik when it clearly wasn't there to be hit.
It's often said that a side's best batter plays at three. Pietersen has been steadfast in his refusal to go one up the order in the long form of the game. Perhaps this is as close as we'll ever get to an admission that he's still not mature enough to accept that responsibility.
Saturday 13 March 2010
Strictly Come Batting
IPL 3 is underway and I have an issue with it.
Season one got by on novelty value and season two consolidated that. Now, though, it just looks like old men having a knockabout with some kids they bumped into on a local field.
The big stars of IPL 1 were the recently retired Shane Warne, Adam Gilchrist et al. Now, however, they've been out of cricket for three years and their presence seems all the more unlikely and incongruous as a result. The backers would have you believe that this is supposed to be the best players in the world playing against each other, but the best players in the world are, in large part, involved in internationals elsewhere and won't arrive for a while, so instead you have this retirement home atmosphere and a competition featuring some of the best ex-players in the world.
It's much like the issues I have with Strictly Come Dancing. If I want to watch dancing, I'd like to see it done by people who know what they're doing and are at the top of their game. So it is with cricket. I'm just not interested in seeing long-retired players trundle in for four overs.
Season one got by on novelty value and season two consolidated that. Now, though, it just looks like old men having a knockabout with some kids they bumped into on a local field.
The big stars of IPL 1 were the recently retired Shane Warne, Adam Gilchrist et al. Now, however, they've been out of cricket for three years and their presence seems all the more unlikely and incongruous as a result. The backers would have you believe that this is supposed to be the best players in the world playing against each other, but the best players in the world are, in large part, involved in internationals elsewhere and won't arrive for a while, so instead you have this retirement home atmosphere and a competition featuring some of the best ex-players in the world.
It's much like the issues I have with Strictly Come Dancing. If I want to watch dancing, I'd like to see it done by people who know what they're doing and are at the top of their game. So it is with cricket. I'm just not interested in seeing long-retired players trundle in for four overs.
Bangladesh's problem summed up in four words
Too many one-dayers.
Simple, really. Watching the Bangladesh batsmen struggle against England at the moment, the rashness of the shots is the key to it all. There isn't much opportunity for the Tigers to play the longer forms of the game domestically and nobody seems to want to play them in Test matches too often either. That creates a vicious circle and it looks difficult, if not impossible, to address it as the riches on offer in a game of wham-bam-thank-you-mam outstrip Test glory.
Mind, that Tamim Iqbal can play.
Simple, really. Watching the Bangladesh batsmen struggle against England at the moment, the rashness of the shots is the key to it all. There isn't much opportunity for the Tigers to play the longer forms of the game domestically and nobody seems to want to play them in Test matches too often either. That creates a vicious circle and it looks difficult, if not impossible, to address it as the riches on offer in a game of wham-bam-thank-you-mam outstrip Test glory.
Mind, that Tamim Iqbal can play.
Sunday 10 January 2010
Ian Bell - an apology
In recent times, this website may have given the impression that England's number six batsman, Ian Bell, was some kind of liability. Headlines such as "Bottler Bell's making our life hell" and "Why is this ginger tosser still being picked?" may have given the impression that we thought the Warwickshire right hander was in some way unsuitable for the rigours of Test cricket.
In light of his last three knocks for his country, we now realise he is not only the most gifted batsman of this and any other generation, but a man of such solid mental character that he can make the strongest and hardest men in the world (Graeme Smith) to a jibbering wreck and we apologise for any misunderstanding caused.
In light of his last three knocks for his country, we now realise he is not only the most gifted batsman of this and any other generation, but a man of such solid mental character that he can make the strongest and hardest men in the world (Graeme Smith) to a jibbering wreck and we apologise for any misunderstanding caused.
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