Jade Dernbach, ladies and gentlemen, graduate from the Monty 'Rhodes' Panesar fielding school.
Thursday, 26 January 2012
Big Bash - Bigger Blunders
Oh, Jade. It doesn't get much better for Mr Dernbach in the Big Bash, apparently still underway in Australia. Sledged for his poor sledging is one thing, and now he's never going to be able to sledge anyone again after these two hilarious drops in the deep.
Jade Dernbach, ladies and gentlemen, graduate from the Monty 'Rhodes' Panesar fielding school.
Jade Dernbach, ladies and gentlemen, graduate from the Monty 'Rhodes' Panesar fielding school.
Saturday, 14 January 2012
Cricketers + Crisps - An Insight
Here at Tasty Morkels, we would not usually bother ourselves with the minutiae of cricket advertising or endorsements. We are of course fans of cricket, but we would never, for example, call a six a 'DLF Maximum'. Nor would we ever call the Ashes the 'npower ashes series'. The Advanced Hair Studio adverts are a source of endless amusement, but not inspiration (we've all got fine heads of hair at TM Towers, thank you).
However, while trawling on youtube, I came across this, and I felt it needed a moment's meditation:
However, while trawling on youtube, I came across this, and I felt it needed a moment's meditation:
I think we just need to take a minute here to take in what we're seeing. This is South African one-day stars JP Duminy and AB De Villiers (now the South African ODI captain) performing Bollywood dancing, and then.....De Villiers rides an umpire like a horse. A horse. I don't know how this managed to escape our attention last year, but it left me gobsmacked.
I think it is more the advert's message that frightens me the most. The idea seems to be that if you are a professional cricketer, and you eat a certain brand of crisps, you will hallucinate wild ideas and violate local customs by jumping on the back of the nearest person and ride him like a wild mare. That's not a potato snack I'd want to be anywhere near. Walkers already do enough damage to poor Gary Lineker's mental state. He's been addicted for years - he's been hallucinating visions of Lionel Ritchie, Cat Deeley, et al, since 1995. It's a measure of his professionalism that he still finds time to extensively tan and do such a thorough job on Match of the Day once a week.
On reflection, maybe retired leg-spinners preaching about hair-loss remedies is not the thin end of the wedge after all.
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Five reasons England should be worried
England are soon to go into battle against Pakistan on neutral ground in the Arabian desert. With a fine 12 months behind them - well, excepting the 50-over format - England are widely fancied to win the series and maintain their number one ranking, increasing the gap while they're at it. But for all that they will start favourites, it behoves us all to take a moment to consider five reasons why Pakistan are nobodies pushover.
1. Experience of conditions
The UAE presents a new experience for all the England players. Pakistan, by contrast, are embarking on their third 'home' series played there. The pitches are laid on top of clay from Pakistan and have proved to be quite sub-continental in their make-up - slow, low turners. Swing tends to work - England have the edge there, for sure - but there is a great change in character between the old ball and the new and that is something new for the England batsmen to deal with.
2. Spin
England have the best spin bowler in the world at the moment. What Pakistan have is options. Saeed Ajmal has been superb on these desert tracks while Mohammad Hafeez, Azhar Ali and Asad Shafiq are more than useful part-timers. By contrast, England look certain to be going in with Swann and the part-time option of Kevin Pietersen. If the Pakistan batsmen get after Pietersen and knock him out of the attack, England have a problem. If the England batsmen knock one of the Pakistan spinners around, there are three more waiting in the wings.
3. No fear
While spinners will play a big part with the old ball, pace and swing are key up front. Pakistan may have lost two of their finer exponents to Her Majesty's pleasure, but they keep turning up young tyros who can wang it down at speed and with control. Aizaz Cheema and Junaid Khan are the latest pair, a right-arm/left-arm combo, and both had successes against Sri Lanka where they bowled at some true greats of the game without any fear. They won't care what the England top order's career records look like. They'll just got out and knock you over - literally or metaphorically, either is fine.
4. Revenge
Statements to the press may say otherwise, but after what happened on their last tour of England there's more than an element of revenge in the air ahead of this one. Accusations flew this way and that and nobody in that party escaped suspicion. Since the verdicts came down, Ajmal and Shahid Afridi (not playing in the Tests, but back for the ODIs and T20s) emerged as anti-corruption heroes. Misbah-ul-Haq has presided over a new-look side untainted by the stench of what went before and now this is an opportunity to show everyone they can beat the best without any hint of it not being totally legitimate. That's a powerful incentive.
5. Tim Bresnan
The Yorkshireman only deals in Test victories. In ten matches for his country, England have won ten times. Indeed, the closest that the opposition has come in this time is either the 181-run or 8-wicket wins over Bangladesh. 40% of the time that Tim Bresnan plays for England, they win by an innings. He averages 45 with the bat and 24 with the ball, so it's far more than coincidence. Moreover, he provides a great deal of the balance to the team. Despite the impressive figures, they may be exaggerated by dint of having played so few games and it takes a leap of logic to suggest he's a genuine all-rounder rather than a bowler who can bat. See also Graeme Swann and Stuart Broad, but add all three of those together and you have the equivalent of a genuine all-rounder, just spread over three different individuals. Bresnan is hugely important to how England set up and he is a big loss.
1. Experience of conditions
The UAE presents a new experience for all the England players. Pakistan, by contrast, are embarking on their third 'home' series played there. The pitches are laid on top of clay from Pakistan and have proved to be quite sub-continental in their make-up - slow, low turners. Swing tends to work - England have the edge there, for sure - but there is a great change in character between the old ball and the new and that is something new for the England batsmen to deal with.
2. Spin
England have the best spin bowler in the world at the moment. What Pakistan have is options. Saeed Ajmal has been superb on these desert tracks while Mohammad Hafeez, Azhar Ali and Asad Shafiq are more than useful part-timers. By contrast, England look certain to be going in with Swann and the part-time option of Kevin Pietersen. If the Pakistan batsmen get after Pietersen and knock him out of the attack, England have a problem. If the England batsmen knock one of the Pakistan spinners around, there are three more waiting in the wings.
3. No fear
While spinners will play a big part with the old ball, pace and swing are key up front. Pakistan may have lost two of their finer exponents to Her Majesty's pleasure, but they keep turning up young tyros who can wang it down at speed and with control. Aizaz Cheema and Junaid Khan are the latest pair, a right-arm/left-arm combo, and both had successes against Sri Lanka where they bowled at some true greats of the game without any fear. They won't care what the England top order's career records look like. They'll just got out and knock you over - literally or metaphorically, either is fine.
4. Revenge
Statements to the press may say otherwise, but after what happened on their last tour of England there's more than an element of revenge in the air ahead of this one. Accusations flew this way and that and nobody in that party escaped suspicion. Since the verdicts came down, Ajmal and Shahid Afridi (not playing in the Tests, but back for the ODIs and T20s) emerged as anti-corruption heroes. Misbah-ul-Haq has presided over a new-look side untainted by the stench of what went before and now this is an opportunity to show everyone they can beat the best without any hint of it not being totally legitimate. That's a powerful incentive.
5. Tim Bresnan
The Yorkshireman only deals in Test victories. In ten matches for his country, England have won ten times. Indeed, the closest that the opposition has come in this time is either the 181-run or 8-wicket wins over Bangladesh. 40% of the time that Tim Bresnan plays for England, they win by an innings. He averages 45 with the bat and 24 with the ball, so it's far more than coincidence. Moreover, he provides a great deal of the balance to the team. Despite the impressive figures, they may be exaggerated by dint of having played so few games and it takes a leap of logic to suggest he's a genuine all-rounder rather than a bowler who can bat. See also Graeme Swann and Stuart Broad, but add all three of those together and you have the equivalent of a genuine all-rounder, just spread over three different individuals. Bresnan is hugely important to how England set up and he is a big loss.
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Tasty Morkels review of 2011
Here at Tasty Morkels, we like nothing better than to enjoy and celebrate all the moments that create the rich tapestry of skill, drama and humour that is cricket. 2011 provided plenty of examples, and as it's that time of year, it makes sense to hand out some awards on that basis.
Team of the Year
England
We're number 1 aren't we? Not only did we wrap up a 3-1 series win over the Aussies at their place, we then rolled over the supposedly fearsome Indians (who hardly looked bothered - more on that later) in a 4-0 mauling. Andy Flower has the balance of the side spot on: The batting order is settled, with runs potential from all top six slots. Ian Bell and Alistair Cook are in the form of their lives, easing the pressure on Andrew Strauss and Kevin Pietersen; Tim Bresnan and Chris Tremlett have joined James Anderson and Stuart Broad to create the world's most potent pace attack.
Next year will prove a huge test with the visit of the Saffers, who will doubtless be a trickier opposition than the Indians were. They too have a balanced, experienced side, with the added bonus of Dale Steyn, the pound-for-pound best fast bowler in the world, who hugely enjoyed himself here when he visited last time around. It's going to be tasty.
Let-Down of the Year
India
They were rubbish, weren't they? Lacklustre in the field, listless and impatient with the bat, inaccurate with the ball. All the hype, all the talk about when Sachin was going to make ton number 100, all the build up after their World Cup win, amounted to diddly squat given that they showed a complete inability to adapt to remotely challenging conditions outside their homeland. A couple of players came out with some credit, but for most it seemed like they couldn't be less interested in a test series in England. Good riddance to them. Oh and good luck in Australia too, I reckon you'll need it.
Hero of the Year
Rahul Dravid
Which makes, in light of the above, Rahul Dravid's efforts all the more admirable. Dravid is the consumate batsman, a true gentleman, and an all round good egg. Surrounded by mediocrity, his visit to England was still a hugely impressive one, and only Ian Bell and Kevin Pietersen compiled more runs in that largely one-sided series. Even at 38, Dravid's technique is still a thing of beauty to behold; His immaculate defence; his shot selection of surgical precision; his tenacity and mental strength that have been a hallmark of his long stays at the crease for the best part of 20 years.
Dravid is, at the time of writing, the leading run scorer in test cricket this year. Yet this is also a poignant point because it also feels like he, alongside Sachin Tendulkar and VVS Laxman, is part of a dying breed - an Indian batsman that cares about the long form of the game. The BCCI seems so determined to pander to the Corporate shills and stamp out test cricket that we may not see the likes of him again for many years. At 38, Dravid surely does not have too many more long batting vigils left in him, but he leaves behind a significant and hugely admirable legacy.
Match of the Year
India vs England, Bangalore, ICC Cricket World Cup February 27
Oh alright, I suppose I have to pay due tributes to limited overs cricket at some point. Yes, this one was a real cracker, the type of match that isn't produced nearly often enough by ODI's. The hosts, and eventual winners, set England the commanding and intimidating 339 winning score, thanks largely to the little Master's sensational run-a-ball 120. Captain Andrew Strauss then produced a quite magnificent century in response - his first in ODI's - to guide the England chase to a thrilling and quite remarkable conclusion, aided and abetted by some tremendous lower order hitting and a hugely important (but rather overlooked) chanceless 69 from Ian Bell. Swann and Shahzad tied the game and in the process seemed also to revive the hitherto flagging 50-over concept.
Who on earth his he? of the Year
Kevin O'Brien
5 days later, England were beaten by Ireland, as a big ginger lad who no-one had ever heard of scored the fastest world cup century ever to humiliate a team previously buoyant from tieing with the hosts. O'Brien cracked 13 boundaries and six maximums in an extraordinary display of brute force which England's bowlers had no answer to. This set the wheels in motion for England's exit from the tournament at the hands of perennial no-hopers Bangladesh.
Since that heady night in March, O'Brien has intermittently shown the ability to repeat his heroics but one can't help but wonder he'll never be able to meet the expectations to produce on a consistent basis. Still, it was one hell of a knock and one hell of a way to put yourself in cricket folklore and the history books.
Conman of the Year
I couldn't very well do a review of 2011 without referring to the bizarre and hilarious case of Adrian Shankar, the Cambridge graduate who was released by Worcestershire in May after they discovered he had somewhat 'inflated' his talents; claiming variously to have played academy football with Arsenal, to be the most talented batsman a Cambridge UCCE coach had ever seen (a completely made up quote); and also to have spent three years of his life on a life support machine in a conversation with then Lancashire captain Luke Sutton.
How counties kept being fooled by Shankar, who failed to score runs at virtually any of the premier league cricket clubs, Minor Counties or First Class counties he played for, is quite bizarre. Shankar was clearly a fantasist, a con artist with a talent for blagging his way to a County contract. It proved a cautionary tale for Worcestershire as they called Inspector Knacker in to investigate possible fraud charges.
Villains of the Year
The ICC and all cricket governing bodies
For thinking, in no particular order:
- That holding a South Africa - Australia test series of just two tests is sufficient
- For continuing to make generally moronic scheduling decisions
- For not doing away with the pointless and idiotic Champions Trophy
- For still not really showing any genuine signs of a concerted effort to fight the (still obviously underlying) threat and menance of Corruption in the game.
Quote of the Year
"'Take a bit of beer and manure and rub it on your forehead''
Jacques Kallis explains how you too could miraculously obtain a luscious head of hair where previously you possessed an obviously thinning presence up top
Overrated One-Day Show Pony of the Year
Kieron Pollard
Winner of this award for presumably as long as he continues to waste his and indeed our time in international cricket, Kieron Pollard is basically a T20 specialist who likes to give it a smack and bowls military medium. Nothing special in that, and yet he continues to get job offers, even though he has never batted more than 66 balls in a One Day International.
Board Spat of the Year
Jointly won by Chris Gayle and Ramnaresh Sarwan
While Gayle travels the world as a T20 mercenary, Sarwan, arguably one of the most elegant and skilfull West Indian batsmen of his generation, hides away in domestic cricket as a result of a dispute with the WICB. And we think that's a shame.
Best laugh of the year
Seeing Phil Hughes get out 'c Guptill b Martin' again and again. What a clown.
Team of the Year
England
We're number 1 aren't we? Not only did we wrap up a 3-1 series win over the Aussies at their place, we then rolled over the supposedly fearsome Indians (who hardly looked bothered - more on that later) in a 4-0 mauling. Andy Flower has the balance of the side spot on: The batting order is settled, with runs potential from all top six slots. Ian Bell and Alistair Cook are in the form of their lives, easing the pressure on Andrew Strauss and Kevin Pietersen; Tim Bresnan and Chris Tremlett have joined James Anderson and Stuart Broad to create the world's most potent pace attack.
Next year will prove a huge test with the visit of the Saffers, who will doubtless be a trickier opposition than the Indians were. They too have a balanced, experienced side, with the added bonus of Dale Steyn, the pound-for-pound best fast bowler in the world, who hugely enjoyed himself here when he visited last time around. It's going to be tasty.
Let-Down of the Year
India
They were rubbish, weren't they? Lacklustre in the field, listless and impatient with the bat, inaccurate with the ball. All the hype, all the talk about when Sachin was going to make ton number 100, all the build up after their World Cup win, amounted to diddly squat given that they showed a complete inability to adapt to remotely challenging conditions outside their homeland. A couple of players came out with some credit, but for most it seemed like they couldn't be less interested in a test series in England. Good riddance to them. Oh and good luck in Australia too, I reckon you'll need it.
Hero of the Year
Rahul Dravid
Which makes, in light of the above, Rahul Dravid's efforts all the more admirable. Dravid is the consumate batsman, a true gentleman, and an all round good egg. Surrounded by mediocrity, his visit to England was still a hugely impressive one, and only Ian Bell and Kevin Pietersen compiled more runs in that largely one-sided series. Even at 38, Dravid's technique is still a thing of beauty to behold; His immaculate defence; his shot selection of surgical precision; his tenacity and mental strength that have been a hallmark of his long stays at the crease for the best part of 20 years.
Dravid is, at the time of writing, the leading run scorer in test cricket this year. Yet this is also a poignant point because it also feels like he, alongside Sachin Tendulkar and VVS Laxman, is part of a dying breed - an Indian batsman that cares about the long form of the game. The BCCI seems so determined to pander to the Corporate shills and stamp out test cricket that we may not see the likes of him again for many years. At 38, Dravid surely does not have too many more long batting vigils left in him, but he leaves behind a significant and hugely admirable legacy.
Match of the Year
India vs England, Bangalore, ICC Cricket World Cup February 27
Oh alright, I suppose I have to pay due tributes to limited overs cricket at some point. Yes, this one was a real cracker, the type of match that isn't produced nearly often enough by ODI's. The hosts, and eventual winners, set England the commanding and intimidating 339 winning score, thanks largely to the little Master's sensational run-a-ball 120. Captain Andrew Strauss then produced a quite magnificent century in response - his first in ODI's - to guide the England chase to a thrilling and quite remarkable conclusion, aided and abetted by some tremendous lower order hitting and a hugely important (but rather overlooked) chanceless 69 from Ian Bell. Swann and Shahzad tied the game and in the process seemed also to revive the hitherto flagging 50-over concept.
Who on earth his he? of the Year
Kevin O'Brien
5 days later, England were beaten by Ireland, as a big ginger lad who no-one had ever heard of scored the fastest world cup century ever to humiliate a team previously buoyant from tieing with the hosts. O'Brien cracked 13 boundaries and six maximums in an extraordinary display of brute force which England's bowlers had no answer to. This set the wheels in motion for England's exit from the tournament at the hands of perennial no-hopers Bangladesh.
Since that heady night in March, O'Brien has intermittently shown the ability to repeat his heroics but one can't help but wonder he'll never be able to meet the expectations to produce on a consistent basis. Still, it was one hell of a knock and one hell of a way to put yourself in cricket folklore and the history books.
Conman of the Year
I couldn't very well do a review of 2011 without referring to the bizarre and hilarious case of Adrian Shankar, the Cambridge graduate who was released by Worcestershire in May after they discovered he had somewhat 'inflated' his talents; claiming variously to have played academy football with Arsenal, to be the most talented batsman a Cambridge UCCE coach had ever seen (a completely made up quote); and also to have spent three years of his life on a life support machine in a conversation with then Lancashire captain Luke Sutton.
How counties kept being fooled by Shankar, who failed to score runs at virtually any of the premier league cricket clubs, Minor Counties or First Class counties he played for, is quite bizarre. Shankar was clearly a fantasist, a con artist with a talent for blagging his way to a County contract. It proved a cautionary tale for Worcestershire as they called Inspector Knacker in to investigate possible fraud charges.
Villains of the Year
The ICC and all cricket governing bodies
For thinking, in no particular order:
- That holding a South Africa - Australia test series of just two tests is sufficient
- For continuing to make generally moronic scheduling decisions
- For not doing away with the pointless and idiotic Champions Trophy
- For still not really showing any genuine signs of a concerted effort to fight the (still obviously underlying) threat and menance of Corruption in the game.
Quote of the Year
"'Take a bit of beer and manure and rub it on your forehead''
Jacques Kallis explains how you too could miraculously obtain a luscious head of hair where previously you possessed an obviously thinning presence up top
Overrated One-Day Show Pony of the Year
Kieron Pollard
Winner of this award for presumably as long as he continues to waste his and indeed our time in international cricket, Kieron Pollard is basically a T20 specialist who likes to give it a smack and bowls military medium. Nothing special in that, and yet he continues to get job offers, even though he has never batted more than 66 balls in a One Day International.
Board Spat of the Year
Jointly won by Chris Gayle and Ramnaresh Sarwan
While Gayle travels the world as a T20 mercenary, Sarwan, arguably one of the most elegant and skilfull West Indian batsmen of his generation, hides away in domestic cricket as a result of a dispute with the WICB. And we think that's a shame.
Best laugh of the year
Seeing Phil Hughes get out 'c Guptill b Martin' again and again. What a clown.
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
Big Brass Balls and Backing Up Your Words
We've not been paying a great deal of attention to the laughably named Big Bash, what with it not being shown in the UK, but two things caught our attention this week.
The first is the old master, Shane Warne. Looking younger every day, and with brighter, whiter teeth than ever thought possible, he was on the mic whilst bowling to t20 maestro Brendon McCullum. "What you gonna bowl him Shane?" asks the commentator. What happened next? Run VT:
Meanwhile, there are a few England players down there. One is Jade Dernbach, not a player we've seen anything of the international in as yet. And he's backed that assertion up with a whacking great no wickets for 80 in 8 overs in his two matches to date, but despite that return, he seems keen to let the batsmen know what for. David Warner took to Twitter after seeing Dernbach dish some verbals out. "Dernbach should worry about bowling before trying to sledge". Wise words. The Aussies might be in something of a slump when it comes to batting, bowling and fielding, but when it comes to sledging, they are still the undisputed masters and Warner's words are well listened to.
The first is the old master, Shane Warne. Looking younger every day, and with brighter, whiter teeth than ever thought possible, he was on the mic whilst bowling to t20 maestro Brendon McCullum. "What you gonna bowl him Shane?" asks the commentator. What happened next? Run VT:
Meanwhile, there are a few England players down there. One is Jade Dernbach, not a player we've seen anything of the international in as yet. And he's backed that assertion up with a whacking great no wickets for 80 in 8 overs in his two matches to date, but despite that return, he seems keen to let the batsmen know what for. David Warner took to Twitter after seeing Dernbach dish some verbals out. "Dernbach should worry about bowling before trying to sledge". Wise words. The Aussies might be in something of a slump when it comes to batting, bowling and fielding, but when it comes to sledging, they are still the undisputed masters and Warner's words are well listened to.
Saturday, 29 October 2011
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
Kieswetter, Craig
South African-born wicket-keeper who qualifies for England by virtue of a Scottish grandmother. You don't get more English for that.
The surname stems from the Afrikaans 'kie', which means iron-handed dolt, and 'swetten', which roughly translates as doesn't score runs quickly enough.
The surname stems from the Afrikaans 'kie', which means iron-handed dolt, and 'swetten', which roughly translates as doesn't score runs quickly enough.
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